strangetrip | [EP] The eye of the storm

Anybody coming to find out what all the noise in the lobby had been about would find a girl sitting on the floor with a cat in her lap, bloodied hands stroking over its black fur.

When Yasmeen had gone away, when Sansa had gone away, Snow had managed to get herself out and away from the inn where she could let her noise out without fearing any person, or more importantly, the horses. And both those times, Kash had found her and helped her scrape herself back together. She had come so much to rely on him being there, that at first she hadn't believed it. She'd gone searching, like a child trying to grasp the meaning of dead. She'd wandered all over the grounds, gone to his room, gone to the stables, gone to the clinic, walked miles of paths. It was only then that she'd given up and asked Darryl.

Then she lost her shit.

She howled, threw anything small and breakable that she could lay her hands on, and punched the walls until her knuckles were raw and bleeding.

What was she going to do without him? Kash had always been there for her when she didn't think she could talk to anybody else. He had saved Juno. Who would help her now when any of the animals were injured or sick? Who would hear what she was saying, even when she couldn't say it? He was her friend. Perhaps the best friend she'd ever had.

This was what happened when you trusted people. They just left. They just fucking left.

And she probably would have screamed herself hoarse if it weren't for the feeling of a furry little body slinking around one of her ankles. Of course she wouldn't have been the only one left behind (which was a cruel and unfair thing to think, she was not the only person who loved Kash. She just didn't care right now). She crumpled to her knees and Socks climbed into her lap. After a long moment she began to pet him, no longer the little kitten she'd held out to Kash last Christmas. There was no peace in the silence, but she could not continue to rage with Socks holding her down. The moment he left that place, it would all rise up again. So for now, she sat there in the mess she'd made, staring at nothing, her blood running into his fur.

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Vax was maybe even more startled that he'd set her off. She was such a tough nut, usually. But there was nothing usual about this place, these happenings. His heart ached for her.

He reached over to rest his hand gently on her back, to see if touch was at all welcome or wanted. Maybe he'd guessed all wrong, and to be held was exactly what she needed, even if she didn't know it until now. Or maybe that supposed too much. He wasn't sure, but he meant to let her decide, either way, by paying close attention to her reaction. "I'm so sorry, Snow," he repeated. He didn't expect any answer in words, at least until her tears stopped, and not just because she was a quiet one. What else was there to say?

Snow did not lean into the touch, but neither did she shrug him off. Apparently there were times even she needed affection.

She did not wail or sob. It was quiet, muffled as much as she could manage, as though somehow she were ashamed that at the core of all the anger that had made the mess in the lobby was nothing more than a scared little girl who wanted her friend back.

She had gone so long in her life without people to love, and now it seemed like whenever she found them, she lost them. What was the point? What was the fucking point?

Knowing that avoidance was the usual for Snow, how skittish she often was and how hard it was for her to articulate on a good day, Vax took her stillness as acceptance. He folded his arm around her shoulders and scooted in a bit closer, letting his cloak drape around her protectively. It wasn't much, given everything, but it was something.

"I'm glad Socks is still here for you. And you for him."

Something about the feeling of the feathers of the cloak settled Snow more than just Vax's arm. She leaned carefully into the embrace.

"Why?" she whispered.

"Because..." He could go on about why it was good to have more than one thing in the world to love, how that kept you grounded, sane, a better person for it. About remembrance. But that felt like lots of words too many, and it'd be so easy to stuff his boot into his mouth along the way.

"Why did you give Socks to Kashaw in the first place?"

"He needed a cat," she said. It had been that simple, that obvious. Enough so that she hadn't had to fight for the words at all.

It wasn't the sort of answer he'd expected, but Vax didn't second-guess it. Instead he reached with his free hand to see if Socks would permit some scritches from his comfy place in Snow's lap.

"Okay," he accepted easily. "Well, he's going to need someone to look after him without Kash here, isn't he? You do know him better than anyone else... And maybe it's you that needs a cat this time."

For all that Kash had said he was going to make this cat a warrior--and sure, he was a great little pest killer--Socks was definitely better at people and sweeter than Kash was. For the moment at least, the offering of scritches was accepted.

"No offense to Socks," she mumbled, "but I'd rather have Kash."

"Me too," Vax agreed softly. "I'm going to miss him, grumbles and all. Not that anybody asked us before he went."

And there was no other word for that than one she'd already asked and there wasn't any satisfying answer to. "Why?"

Vax sighed silently, leaving the cat alone. "Why's he gone? I don't know," he admitted in a whisper. Who could say why these things happened? It didn't seem right or fair or even to make any kind of sense.

Snow's voice screwed up high and tight. "I can't--" and whatever she was going to say cut off sharply in a sob, which she in turn tried to smother.

He was so used to Snow being such a quiet one that it was really jarring to see her, hear her crying in this way. He understood why, or thought he did, but that amounted to fuck all towards knowing what could be done about it. He felt like he should say something to fix it, being the adult between them. But when he and Vex had fled Syngorn and found their mother was dead, their home destroyed...

"You don't have to," was all Vax could think to offer her, looking at her slight form contorted in on itself from half under the drape of his cloak. "You've just lost somebody you loved, somebody that made you feel safe. There's nothing right or okay about that. Your world has gone and changed, and right now it feels like nothing will ever be okay again," he supposed. "If that doesn't hurt, I don't know what does."

Snow nodded miserably. If there were a way to put it into words, that was as close as anybody was likely to come.

She knew it had felt like nothing would ever be okay again when she'd lost Bear, and she'd survived that. But right now, she didn't want to think about the other side, where the wound closed. She almost didn't want it to be better.

He sat silently with her for a few moments, not sure what else there was to say. But there was one other thing, though he didn't know if it was right to say now...

"Snow, I... My sister and I, we're very fond of you. And I know we're not what you want right now. But we're the ones still here, and we've lost a lot of family in a real hurry." Was he making much sense to her? He felt like he might not be saying it very well.

Snow only nodded again, not entirely sure she understood but needing to acknowledge that he'd spoken and she'd heard him.

That she cared about him and Vex, too.

"You're the same as family for us now. D'you know that?" He wondered what she'd made of it, way back when Kashaw had brought her to their Winter's Crest dinner. It was like Vax inviting Stephanie along. There was lots of this-world holiday nonsense that happened during that time of year, but Winter's Crest was theirs. Even if Kash wasn't here anymore, it didn't change how they had come to feel about Snow. "And we take care of our own."

Snow felt her cheeks growing hot, and she knew she had to be blushing. She ducked her head, attempting to hide her face in her hair. "Okay."

He reached to stroke his glove gently down the spill of her hair, but he didn't try to make her look up at him. "So whatever you need... We want to help you, best as we can. That's what we do for each other. Okay?"

Slowly, Snow nodded her head. She did not look up at him, but... "Yeah. Okay."

[EP] The eye of the storm

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