[EP] Change and desperation

[st_oneswidow]

Being a woman and not a First Daughter, Curnen knew nothing of the men's mysteries of her community. She did not know the words of the Silent Sons, "Silence is more musical than any song." But when Kash disappeared from her life, he who had given her songs back to her... she could think of no better way to mourn. What song was there? He had not been her love, but he had been more than her friend. And her utter fucking joy at not having to keep an eye out for Zahra, at being able to move freely in their small space again, made everything even more confusing. So when out and about, for weeks there had been no singing. No playing. No whistling, no humming, no dancing, not so much as idle tapping on a table. She did not forbid herself to speak, but it was rare, if she wasn't spoken to first.

In public at least. In the privacy of her room she threw herself into a project she had been cobbling for some months now, but this it seemed was the final push she needed to see it through. She told Coby, when she realized she really needed a man's voice for the last piece, but even he was not privy to the whole of the project.

No one would have known until the flyers went up a few days before she planned to do it. "Thirteen Tales of Change and Desperation" they promised. Not quite horror stories, but a story hour for the time of year. She had never performed a whole set by herself at the inn before. Kash would have told her to be brave. If it was time. If she was ready. And now, she really thought she was.

Saturday night, Curnen put on her good dress (and still no shoes) and played for the dinner crowd. She didn't expect everyone--or even anyone--to deliberately come and stay through the whole thing. Indeed, she tried not to pay attention to that, the comings and goings of faces. She sang for the audience she had. Between songs she flirted, she charmed, she teased, and she taught, explaining what pieces were and where they had come from.

Beginning with a song that could sound perfectly innocent if not for the unease infused through the arrangement and her voice, Curnen progressed through a series of tragedies and murder ballads. At the seventh and center piece she set her guitar aside and sang unaccompanied, and this was the first admission after a kind. Though she did not think anyone in the audience had the language. She explained neither before nor after what the words meant.

The center of this labyrinth wasn't the heart, though. They proceeded there next. These four songs were chosen not just for their nature, but also because each one them touched on something of Curnen's life--her curse, her losses, her trials. For anyone who had not heard the story from her already there was nothing to make it obvious. But there was something there in the increasing wildness of her eyes, in the edge in her voice. In the way she swapped a guitar for a bodhran when she came to the heart of it.

"I know least one of y'all's impatiently wondering, 'Curnen, honey, what's the worst story you know? Just tell us that and get it over with.' All right." And she told them. And she didn't die in the telling.

The twelfth song was a break, to dispel some of that dark energy. At the thirteenth she had Coby join her on guitar while she drummed, and the two of them passed "The Ballad of Tam Lin" back and forth between them.

She could not say what compelled her toward the end, when she took up the words of the fairy queen in her mouth. By now, she had done a handful of things that no ordinary girl could or should be able to do, but no one had been able to pin down and put a word to what she was. She told them as best she could now, in the way the room went colder, in the way her eyes went black from end to end, in the way her voice crashed like bells and broken glass, in the ghost of glamour wings (for still, still her own eluded her) for just those verses to show the queen's icy rage.

Then she was herself again, and the song ended. Curnen grinned. "Happy Halloween. Tip your waitress." And it took everything in her not to stumble away from the stage. Bliss would have killed her, and Curnen was terrified and defiant all at once, but also lighter for it. She had not said the word 'fairy.' But she had shown them. Maybe they'd be fine. Maybe they'd stone her. Only way to find out was talk to anybody with a thing to say.

Comments

Miguel and Curnen

[st_recuerdame]

Miguel didn't know a lot of what she was singing about It was, for him, mostly the joy of hearing her perform and learning so much more about music and Curnen. At the end with the ghost wings and the song she poured everything into, he was awestruck.

"That was amazing!" He voiced what he was thinking when he caught up with her. "The wings were just like Dante's! Well bigger but really pretty. I loved all the songs even though I didn't really understand them but that's okay, you don't always have to understand them to know they're special." His words were a little jumbled together as they spilled out in his excitement and appreciation.

Re: Miguel and Curnen

[st_oneswidow]

Whatever Curnen had been expecting, it had not been Miguel's bouncy enthusiasm. But was that really fair? A boy who had been to the land of the dead, who had... well, she didn't entirely understand what Dante was other than knowing he was no ordinary dog. If he knew what she was, and she wasn't sure he did understand that, why would he be frightened of her after all that?

Because you kept it secret? Because you effectively lied to him? People were often kind of pissed after that. Pissed or confused.

She didn't realize how much she was shaking until she put her arms around Miguel and hugged him, kissing his hair. "Thank you, love." When she got the shaking a little under control, she went on, very soft, "The wings were just glamour. Mine are... I can't find them." It was the best way she'd found to express what had happened to them.

Re: Miguel and Curnen

[st_recuerdame]

Miguel immediately sobered. He thought she was like Dante in that only during certain times and by certain people you could really see who they were. He didn't realize that her wings were lost.

"I'm sorry." His arms tightened around her to give her comfort. "Can I help you find them or is it something that you have to do because they're yours?" He was thinking like they would only appear to her because of how personal it was.

Re: Miguel and Curnen

[st_oneswidow]

"I think I have to do it, because they're mine," she murmured. "But thank you." She gave him another kiss to show that she did mean it sincerely, not as an empty platitude to make him feel better.

It was only then that she pulled back and searched his eyes. "You're not..." She wasn't sure how to finish that question, so she scrapped it and tried again. "We're okay?"

Re: Miguel and Curnen

[st_recuerdame]

Miguel was a bit confused by the question. Why wouldn't they be okay?

"Yeah." His features showed his confusion. "Um, are you okay?" He knew that Lilith's family left and maybe Curnen was sad like when he was sad with Scanlan leaving. That still didn't explain why she'd been worried about them. UNLESS, she thought that he was worried that she'd disappear, too! Which he was, a little.

[st_rongliketeflon]

Maria stayed for the whole performance. It was a performance that she had never experienced before. This was not a concert like back home. It was new and exciting and Maria had been enraptured the entire time. She noticed how some people hung on her every word. One day I want that to be me."

When Curnen was done, Maria approached.

"That was amazing," she said. "That was like, one of the best concerts ever."

Curnen & Maria

[st_oneswidow]

Curnen needed a stiff drink like she'd never needed one in her life, but her body needed water much more than that. When Maria came up to her she was chugging down a bottle of water in one long pull, and didn't put it down until she had to breathe.

When the words sank in, her already flushed face went a brighter shade of pink. Appreciation was always wonderful when it came, but appreciation from people who knew and were passionate about music were special in another way. "That's awful kind of you," she said, almost shyly. Now that she wasn't performing, her confidence seemed to have dried up not unlike her mouth. For more than one reason.

Re: Curnen & Maria

[st_rongliketeflon]

"Did you write all those songs yourself, or did you find ones you like?" She asked curiously. "One day I'd love to do what you did."

Hopefully people like it as much as Curnen's

Re: Curnen & Maria

[st_oneswidow]

Curnen had to smile at that, ducking her head and tucking a lock of her dark hair behind her ear. "Oh, no, those're all old standards. Well, old at least, you don't hear some of 'em very often 'cause they're not exactly nice stories." The Well Below the Valley being a story of rape, incest, and damnation was probably the least popular of them all. But it was hers to sing. It had been fighting its way out of her for months. "I had to do some of my own arranging to play them on a guitar, though. And to make sure I could use all my fingers," she finished, holding her hands up and spreading her twelve fingers wide.

Lillith x Curnen

[st_rangepalette]

For Lillith, to listen to Curnen sing was always a pleasure, even when the songs themselves held difficult memories. It had been thus since the night they met, on Winter's Crest, when she had first seen the love between Kash and Curnen, and hurt for them and for her cousin and her unborn children. It hurt now, as it had then, with Kash and Zahra gone, taking the still unborn children with them--only it hurt differently.

She hurt for her own losses, but also for Curnen. Curnen would wish to have Kash here, she thought, when she sang a story 'the worst she knew' and when she showed the ghost of her wings. Lillith wished to have him here too, because it was not she who Curnen would wish to see and receive comfort from.

And it was difficult, having sat through the whole of it, to make eye contact with Curnen and bring water when she'd had a chance to hear the congratulations of others. Yet, never had Lillith shied from a thing because it was difficult. No. She dug her hooves in and found her love for Curnen in her heart to draw on when she approached.

"That was beautiful, darling. Haunting, but beautiful."

Re: Lillith x Curnen

[st_oneswidow]

Curnen knew she had not been a very good friend to Lillith in these past weeks. It wasn't because she didn't care about Lillith's loss--Zahra was like a sister to her, and she had known Kash longer than Curnen had--but because she did not think she could sincerely offer comfort and she was terrified to try. For all that Lillith knew how much Curnen had hated Zahra... it was another thing entirely when Zahra was no longer here to hate.

And she had not spent much time with other people since Kash's departure besides. So she was prepared for this to be kind of weird.

She smiled shakily at the compliment--though that was more the result of adrenaline fading than any sense of awkwardness. "Really? That bit at the end wasn't completely fucking dumb of me?"

Re: Lillith x Curnen

[st_rangepalette]

"I did not think it was dumb at all, let alone completely or fucking." Lillith's expression when she held out the water to Curnen was so even, it would be hard to tell whether she meant the last part as a joke. But she had, and because she wished Curnen to be certain, after a moment, she cracked a small smile.

"Technically, I suppose it may have been both completely and fucking, if we are speaking of bravery rather than stupidity."

Re: Lillith x Curnen

[st_oneswidow]

Curnen accepted the glass gratefully, swishing water around her mouth before she swallowed. Partly so she wouldn't just gulp it down, but also trying to bring some moisture back to her dry mouth. "Was it?" she asked softly. "Brave, I mean?"

It hadn't felt brave. In only moments of hindsight it felt childish, defiant, and like... well, giving up, really. What the fuck had she been doing?

[st_ranger]

Bucky had come and stayed for the whole performance. It was just chance that brought him there, but he had chosen to remain when he saw who was singing. Her voice was like nothing he had heard back home and he would relish every chance he could find to listen to her sing.

He'd been lucky enough to listen to her music on his arrival day. Wandering out with Lillith had been an experience to him then, one he'd not been able to get out of his mind. There was just something about the way she sang, even if the words and the things she sang about made no sense to him at all.

When she was done, he slowly approached her. "That... I liked it," he murmured softly. "I, uh, I've heard you twice now. You're music, it's beautiful." And haunting. And poetic. And a slew of words that he didn't really want to throw at her, not wanting to ramble on forever.

Curnen & Bucky

[st_oneswidow]

Oh yeah, she remembered this one from when he'd come to listen with Lillith. His unease had been almost tangible, which was entirely understandable since Curnen didn't know why more people didn't dissolve into panic when reality warped around them and dumped them here.

He'd been pretty scarce since then, and she understood that, too. Maybe not his reasons for it, but she knew the instincts that drove her when she did that.

So when Bucky--it was Bucky, right? that sounded right--actually approached her, Curnen found herself really rather touched. Especially after tonight's performance had been more emotionally draining than even she'd bargained for. The memories of her father, her husband, were too close. She needed something positive to hold onto. She smiled wide. "Thank you. Ain't nothing more gratifying than knowing your music touched people."

[st_ranger]

"It's not like anything I've heard back at home," he murmured softly. He smiled for her, a bit awkwardly, nodding his head in agreement. "It did."

One hand reached out gently for hers. "I... I'm Bucky. I heard your music on my check in day too." Taking a breath, he let it out slowly, trying to relax. He didn't want to seem heightened or anxious with someone new to him. Being here, at the inn, had truly been a lesson for him in dealing with strangers.

Curnen & Bucky

[st_oneswidow]

Curnen's own hand answered slowly, allowing him time to notice and take in the extra finger if he hadn't already. People tended to take that kind of weird when it was a surprise. Though that seemed to be a little low on the list of concerns. He wasn't comfortable, that much she could tell. But she shook his hand like nothing was off at all, for both their sakes.

"I remember," she said. "Lillith told me about you. Curnen Overbay, by the way, in case she didn't say that."

Curnen & Jag

[st_artandstoke]

Of course Jag had shown up. This was Curnen, he hadn't even considered not showing up, and he hadn't even known Coby would be joining her for a song. He'd expected a hell of a show (the sort he knew he couldn't give, himself), and it was. It was beautiful, and gripping. Dark, and haunting. And his mouth hung open a little as her eyes went dark, as the room went cold, as the wings fluttered behind her. But then she was Curnen again, and the show was over.

"That was... something," he told her when she came his way, unsure what to make of it.

Re: Curnen & Jag

[st_oneswidow]

If Curnen were being honest, Jag's reaction had been one of the ones she'd been most afraid of. She didn't know what had happened before he'd come here, but she did know that old-world fae were almost always dicks so she didn't actually have to think about it that hard.

For the moment she tried to keep it simple. "Good something or bad something?"

Re: Curnen & Jag

[st_artandstoke]

"Well, you're you, so it's got to be good, yeah?" Jag worked it out as he spoke, slowly and unsteadily, but once he'd said it, it made perfect sense. He reached out and brushed his hand on her shoulder, because gestures made things clear a lot more easily than words.

Still, he had to ask, because he needed to know, even if he wasn't sure he wanted to, "Are you Fae?"

Re: Curnen & Jag

[st_oneswidow]

Even if she'd had a mind to do it, Curnen couldn't lie about it when she was asked so directly. "Yes."

Coby & Curnen

[st_rummer]

Even if Curnen hadn't asked him to back her up on Tam Lin, Coby wouldn't have been anywhere else tonight. The one song might have been a duet, but the show was all her. And when she went sharp and cold and obviously other, his surprise was only that she showed who she was for all to see, not what she showed. Maybe it shouldn't have been a surprise, though, when she'd been telling parts of her story through the whole set.

After, he hung in the background, got some water and then a drink, let people tell Curnen how damn amazing she'd been, and give her a chance to see how they'd react to her being Tufa... and if that was anything other than being okay, they could fuck off. He wasn't going to abandon her, though, and when it looked like there wasn't another person waiting to chat, Coby moved into the empty space beside her and slipped an arm around her waist.

"How you doing, songbird?"

Re: Coby & Curnen

[st_oneswidow]

At the touch of Coby's arm around her, Curnen turned herself into him and hid her face in his shoulder. No one had been cruel to her. No one had even come close to it. And yet somehow that had made it worse as she'd geared herself up for a confrontation, and after all of those songs that spoke more truth that she'd been entirely ready to tell.

"I don't know," she mumbled into his shirt.

Re: Coby & Curnen

[st_rummer]

When she turned into him, Coby wrapped her up in his arms, the muscles of his back twitching where wings wanted to extend and do the same. Instead, he kissed her hair, head bowed over hers. "Not knowing's okay. Just... you aren't alone, you know." Anything else could wait.

Re: Coby & Curnen

[st_oneswidow]

Curnen nodded, and for a long time she allowed herself to retreat into silence. She had already told so much through nearly an hour of singing, she did not need more songs now. She let herself feel Coby's body, solid and warm and familiar, against hers. This was real. This was here and now. Rockhouse couldn't hurt her. Not anymore.

But that Kash also wasn't here cut deeper than she wanted to admit right now. "Some of those were true, y'know."