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strangetrip2018-12-23 10:21 am
st_abby) wrote in strangetrip2018-12-23 10:21 am
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[Log] Vax & Steph - A Good Talk - Dated 12/23
After the unexpected excitement of Winter's Crest has waned somewhat, Steph has unanswered questions and concerns about what's going on with Vax'ildan, who has the disadvantage of being an Exandrian male. They discuss some serious issues and avoid others.
The first 24 hours after Vax showed up on her balcony, Steph was somewhere between shell-shocked and unwilling to question the sudden awesomeness of her life. The 24 after that, shock had worn off and she began to think about the fact that until he'd shown up on the balcony, Vax had not spoken to her in over a month. Which probably contributed to the shell-shock, when she thought about it.
Add to that, he'd been pretty upfront about some things but that wasn't the same as being upfront about all the things. And him saying he loved her (even 48 hours later, that still sounded impossible and insane) didn't mean that he knew her. Or would keep loving her after he did.
The idea of confronting Vax was basically terrifying. Breaking the first really good thing that had happened since she'd found herself here was a real possibility. Then again...if it was going to break, wasn't now better?
One thing that Steph did know...she hated being a coward.
This time, she was the one who swung in the window, landing on one of the two beds in his room. "Hey, can we talk?"
As pleasant as it had been spending the night with Stephanie, eventually things like food and promises made elsewhere became priorities again. So Vax'ildan was actually clothed in his usual black armor and feather cloak when she so casually vaulted into his rooms, and his eyes brightened at once with a smile for having seen her.
His lips, however, softened their enthusiasm after those words especially. He had the first start of a smile to his mouth, but had stopped himself from the whole wide splay of it before he knew what she was after. "I didn't think we'd even been doing this long enough for a 'talk,'" he said softly, moving to sit beside her on the bed she'd claimed as a shadow spills down stairs. And hadn't they already said so many things? All the things that needed knowing? "...What is it?"
Watching his smile vanish when he smiled so little as it was, made her feel like she'd murdered something beautiful. She almost reached over to take his hand. "I'm not sure how to say this. And I need you to know I'm not... I really like being with you. I'm so happy right now. And I don't want to fuck this up. So, this isn't me trying to sabotage us or anything. Okay?"
He studied her face for a moment, taking some comfort in the understanding that at least this wasn't a cut-away speech she'd prepared in advance. Though Vax did have to wonder what it was, if not that.
"Okay," he echoed back. "So if you're happy, and I'm happy with you... What needs talking about?"
Only a hundred things. "I'm happy because two days ago, you asked me to go with you to dinner. And said you loved me. But...three days ago, I was pretty damn miserable. And I'd been miserable for basically a month. I didn't know what I'd done wrong. Or if I'd fucked up our entire friendship. Or if we even still were friends. And...I guess what I'm trying to say is...what the actual fuck, Vax?"
He didn't look confused or affronted, when she'd asked him. What he did look like was... Unsettled, but resigned. "You didn't do anything wrong," he told her earnestly after a beat. There was a moment when that seemed all he had to say on the matter, but then Vax added - "And I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way."
Steph turned on the bed so she was facing him and this time didn't resist the need to take his hands. "That's...not really an answer. I mean, it's nice to hear, but I was hoping for an explanation of what you were thinking. I just want to understand what was going on, so that if you vanish on me again, I know what I should do about it."
He looked down at her hands, rather than at her face, at where she held his long hands with her own. There was another long pause before he spoke again. "I can't promise that I won't vanish again." Vax wasn't trying to be difficult. But he didn't know how to explain it well, either. Being with Keyleth had taught him to be bolder with his heart, to take chances, to not wait so long this time. But it hadn't taught him how to do this part, and he knew he was still at a loss.
Kash had said that she was good for Vax because she let him be who he was. Did that mean accepting that sometimes he'd just leave? That she'd have to sit around wondering and waiting and worrying that she'd done something unforgivable? Because once had been enough. She wasn't good at inaction. "I don't need you to promise you won't vanish. I need to know what the hell I'm supposed to do about it. Because I'll tell you what I won't do, I won't spend another six weeks afraid I've lost the best friend I have here."
I wouldn't do that to you, was what he wanted to say. What would've felt right. What she wanted to hear, maybe. But he'd just done that, so he couldn't very well ask her to forget it.
"I don't want that either," is what Vax said instead, looking back up to try and explain. "That's why I was away so long. I was heartsick and confused and I felt like I owed it to you, to Keyleth, to everybody, to make bloody well sure I knew what I wanted, and why I wanted it, and that whatever happened or didn't happen between us... I had to be sure I was ready to take whatever came along with that."
"You get what it was like for me though, right? While you were making choices about...us, I didn't know that this was even an option. I didn't know what you felt. And I'm here for it, don't get me wrong." She squeezed his hands and pulled them closer to her, putting them on her waist. "I want to be with you. I like that I can say that now without feeling like I've done something wrong. And, yeah, you had to make up your own mind about what it means that Keyleth isn't here. It might have been nice to know that's what you were doing, that's all I'm saying."
He rested his hands on her waist, hands eager to hold her once they'd been invited. She wasn't wrong, was the thing. And it wasn't that he didn't understand how he'd put her out. He did, and he'd kicked himself for it. He just... Didn't know how else to have gone about it, not in practice.
"It's not an excuse, but... I've only ever survived by hiding from things and walking away." Vax leaned in close, sliding arms around her middle, which was easier than looking her in the eye with space between them. And it let him press his lips to her temple. "I want to share more with you. But it will probably take me some practice."
She was beginning to understand that. He'd been the one to say something, but she'd been the one to reach out and gave him permission to touch. She'd been giving Bats reasons to open up since she was 14. The nice part with Vax was that he wanted to. He just didn't know if he was allowed. Steph leaned her forehead against his, linked her hands behind his neck, half-buried in feathers but touching skin. "Practice is important. I've got a lot to practice too. I'm not patient. And I'm not used to believing that I deserve to be part of things, so I try too hard to fit in. If you walk away...that hits me right in that doubt."
"There's a place for you right here," he promised, reaching up with a hand to stroke the back of her hair, keeping her close in the shared shelter of their arms. "We might not know what the fuck we're doing, we might not be so good at it yet, but we're making that place together. Okay?"
"Okay." Steph nodded and settled closer to him. "Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking and what you like. I'm not like your friends. I'm not a genius or magic or a chosen one. I can't read your mind or teleport to you. I'm just a normal person." She stroked her fingers along the back of his neck to emphasize the way they were sitting. "I like this, by the way. Just being close and having you holding me. I almost always am happy to be touched. You don't have to wait for permission."
"My friends are a lot of amazing things. But they're still people, as much as you. And we're all dumbasses when you get down to it." And really, he wasn't so much more likely to tell them something than he would be likely to tell Steph. Sure some of it was bound to come out as gibberish, like when she got to talking about things from her world he couldn't make heads or tails of, but that had never stopped them from enjoying the company before.
"Keyleth was... Inexperienced, self-conscious and touch-shy mostly. There wasn't often time besides." To touch, like this, the way you do, his hand explained, sliding away from her hair to cup her cheek. "I didn't want to assume too much like a great grabby jerk. But I'm almost always happy to touch you," Vax assured, stealing a soft kiss lightly away from her lips.
She chased the kiss, taking another one. "I kind of wondered about that. You always wait for me to touch you first." Which may have been why she was so persistent about invading his personal space, right from day 1. He'd never reacted badly to it, so she'd been pretty sure it wasn't that it was unwelcome. "I've told you about my ex. He was kind of the same way. Inexperienced and touch-shy, I mean. It took me ages to get him to second base and when I g..." She cut herself suddenly, realizing that she'd nearly walked right into a story that she wasn't sure how to tell. "Ah, I never really got him past that either, even after like three years. He was pretty sheltered, considering how we met."
"The Mallard boy," Vax nodded. When he stopped to think about it, it was more or less the opposite of what the Clasp did, collecting strays and training them to fight - but to stop crime rather than perpetrate it. He thought on her sudden shift in what she was saying, resting his hand at the join of her neck and shoulder. "You know, I don't want to push you. It takes time to talk about some things, and others just seem impossible to say aloud - believe me, I understand. But whatever you want to tell me... I want to know all about you, who you are, where you came from. Don't doubt that."
"Drake." Steph sighed and leaned into his touch. She didn't want to talk about it, but she also didn't want it to be a secret. It was a piece of her, the child she'd never met but hoped was doing well. But what would Vax think of her? Vax who had a mother who hadn't given up. "The thing I was going to say...is that when I got pregnant, he asked if it was his. It wasn't." She kept her eyes down, not wanting to see whatever his first reaction was. "That's why I'm obsessive about the condoms though."
Vax couldn't have kept the shock of it from his face if he'd wanted to, so maybe it was good she hadn't chosen to look. He didn't move his hands from her, but they did go very still. "You..." He had to start again, and it sounded no less stupid a second time. "You had a baby?" Or... It only occurred to him after he'd said it already. Maybe she hadn't.
"When I was fifteen. And yes, I had the baby. I didn't have an abortion." Her hands had fallen into her own lap, relinquishing any hold she had on him. She didn't look away from the raven skull clasp on his cloak. "I gave the baby up for adoption." She'd never actually had to tell anyone, she realized. She hadn't talked about it in years.
He still felt more stunned than if he'd been hit with stupefying magics. But he knew (saw, felt) how hard a subject it was for her. Something was needed.
Vax wasn't sure how he felt, or maybe it just felt like too many things at once to make them all out. He'd hated his father for his cold indifference all those years - but he knew Steph wouldn't give a child away for that. He'd loved his mother so much for having always managed for them on her own, for giving the twins everything she could, but it had been difficult for her. Keyleth told him she had her own druid methods of making certain she wouldn't bear a child until she was well ready, but he understood most women would never have such a luxury as that. At fifteen, Steph had only been a child herself when she'd become pregnant, and she hadn't come from a family of means either.
He leaned in to kiss Stephanie's forehead, his soft handholds stroking where he held her loosely. He wanted to pull her in closer, but maybe she needed a bit of space for this. Still, he wanted her to know he hadn't gone anywhere, and he still wanted to touch her. "I can't imagine how hard that choice would be," he finally managed.
She finally looked up, her jaw set and her eyes glimmering wetly. "I changed my mind a million times when I was pregnant, but I couldn't... I've told you what my father was. And my mom was still using then. How was I supposed to have a baby in that? What kind of family is that to give a kid? So I gave them up. It's a private adoption, I don't even know who the parents are. They don't know me." She drew in a long, shuddering breath. "But I know a lot of people think that's a shitty thing to do. Giving up your kid."
"Well fuck a whole lot of people then," he insisted. His heart hurt for her, seeing the tears in her eyes and the tension in her face. "What's shitty... Is to not care for your own child. To put your own wants and needs before their well-being." Vax looked her in the eyes, sad brown of his own meeting glistening blue. "I know you did what was best for them. And that... That makes a good mother, more than anything else."
Steph smiled a little at that. "I'm not a mother. I had a baby once, but they have a mother. And it isn't me. And that's okay." She rubbed her hands against her thighs. "I didn't want to see them. When I woke up after, Tim...Robin was there. He asked if I wanted to meet the baby before their parents took them. I said no."
"That would have made it harder," Vax guessed. He almost didn't know what else to say. There was one thing, and it sounded sort of trite, but it wasn't any less true. "...I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."
"It was a long time ago." She shook her head. "It sucked. Honestly, dating the Boy Virgin was kind of a relief for the first few years. No risk of repeats there. You know I dond't even know what happened to the kid who knocked me up? He totally ghosted when I told him. Not that I blame him, he wasn't much older than me and no more ready to have a kid than I was. Sorry, I'm just rambling."
"I like your rambling," Vax reminded, taking her hands for a squeeze. "Can I ask... What happened, with your ghost boy? I thought you were dating - Tim," Vax went with, though he noticed Steph called him by his several different names, because they were all of them somehow intimately related now.
"Oh god, that's complicated." It was a relief though, a much lighter and easier thing to talk about than the baby she'd carried but the child she'd never had. "I wasn't really dating Tim, not yet. Or not exactly. I had this double life going on. During the day, Stephanie Brown, high school gymnast, dating...or really just fucking this guy Dean. He was like me, broke as fuck, with parents who were just as checked out at mine. We weren't serious but we weren't not serious, you know? At night, I was Spoiler, teenage vigilante who had no business being out there. And I was desperately into Robin, the younger part of Batman and Robin. All I knew is that he was this hot guy in a mask who was about my age and he was hilarious when I flirted with him. I mean...I'm calling him Tim now, because I know that's his name. But I didn't then. He was just Robin. Stop me if this is confusing. I can draw a diagram.
"Eventually Dean and I broke up and Spoiler was getting closer to Robin -- and so was Steph, because of course he figured out who I was behind my mask." Steph settled back, visibly more comfortable telling this story than she had been the part about her pregnancy. "We had this relationship where we'd meet up on rooftops and beat up bad guys together and sometimes make out. Then I realized that I was pregnant. And Robin asked me the dumbest question ever." Or Alvin had. Because of course Tim had been that extra as to disguise himself for his own girlfriend. "So I pointed out that a few make out sessions do not a baby make."
He was content to listen, glad to see her enthusiasm and humor come back to her, drinking it in. Vax didn't have much to add as it was, at least not until the end. "Did he... Not realize you don't get babies from shaking hands and kissing?"
Steph laughed. "I think he was in shock. He's not dumb. In fact, he's crazy smart. But he's a year younger than me and he'd been a sheltered shy rich kid his whole life. I was a corrupting influence. Which is probably why Batman kept trying to fire me. Gotta protect the Boy Wonder from the street trash."
"You mean you were 'corrupting' a teenage boy from a life of virginal solitude? Your Batman was telling him to do combat in the streets and conceal his identity, breaking the law in the name of justice - you can't tell me sex is worse for a youth than that." Vax felt perfectly justified in saying as much, given his own experiences.
"Oh, it wasn't just the being a slut thing. Except in how that was a distraction." From the tone of her voice, it wasn't a label that she felt bad about. "I'm impulsive and hard-headed and I don't listen. I leap before I look, act before I have all the information. I'm not naturally gifted at anything. Batman liked exceptional people who were devoted to his mission. Which Tim was. Except if I was with him. I wasn't good enough for Batman to take seriously."
"Steph, I know that their approval meant a lot to you. I know you wanted to do what they did. But coming from someone completely outside the picture - they sound like assholes to me," he told her seriously.
That was somehow the last straw. Maybe it was his serious expression, maybe it was just the earlier tension snapping, but her laugh quickly turned into unstoppable giggles. "Oh god, they are. They so so are. You don't even know how right you are." She flopped over, laying on her back on the bed and kept laughing. "Do you know how long it took before Batman pretended to take me seriously? Three years. Three years and Tim quitting before he gave me a shot." She stretched out. "I slapped him once. Batman, I mean, not Tim. About two years ago. He was giving me some bullshit line about living up to this weird fucking test he'd put me through for no reason and I just...slapped him. It felt so good before the panic set in and I ran."
It would've been difficult for him to say why exactly, but he very much liked the way she'd invited herself to make use of the room, of the second bed, having made herself at home as nonchalantly as a cat. Maybe because Keyleth had always been so unsure of herself, even when he'd invited her in. It was a change he was fast getting used to, being with a woman who didn't hesitate so often.
He liked the picture she made, too - the pretty sprawl and her giddy laughter. And then he remembered what she'd said, that he didn't have to ask, he didn't have to wait, if what he wanted was to touch her. So Vax stretched out alongside her, resting a hand over her stomach, watching her with quiet, intense interest and a whisper-soft smile. "Tell me more about giving dickish authority figures shit," he suggested coyly. "That's like catnip for me."
Steph dropped her hand down and covered his with it, fingertips stroking idly along the back of his fingers. "You mean 'the entire life and times of Stephanie Brown'? Because that's basically my go to. Sass and lack of respect." She gave it some thought, trying to come up with a particular instance. "That's what Spoiler means. My vigilante name. I picked it because I was going to spoil my dad's plans. I was looking forward to seeing his face when he realized I was the one who had ruined everything. Of course, then I was going to kill him. Batman talked me out of that part."
His expression sobered, slightly. "...What did he say, that convinced you not to do it?"
"A few things. For one...if I wanted to be part of their team, I had to learn that we don't kill. If we kill, we're no better than the criminals we're going after. If I'd taken him out, Batman would have taken me out. Another...he's my dad. Even if I hate him, he was still my dad. If I killed him, it wouldn't have been him that destroyed my life. It would be me." Steph closed her eyes. "I wanted to stop him, not become him. So I punched him in the face and let the police take him back to prison. Again."
"For all the sass and lack of respect, you chose to be the better person in the end." He bent to kiss the back of her hand where she'd fitted it over his, then decided that each of the knuckles she would use to punch someone needed their own attention, setting his lips softly against each of them in turn.
She smiled and remained still. Her body wanted her to know how close he was, warming under his attention. She wasn't in a rush. "I wanted to be a hero. I wanted them to see me as a hero. Batman helped me understand that revenge isn't the same thing." She brought her other hand to stroke through the long dark fall of his hair. "Sassing the bad guys is okay though. They hate when you don't take them seriously."
"That's why Vox Machina always needed someone slippery to scout the bad guys out, talk some sass, and get them distracted while the heavy hitters moved in." He turned his face back her way, shifting around to use her rather muscle-toned belly as a pillow. "I bet you make a pretty good hero."
"You don't say? Whose job was that?" she teased. He adapted fast, letting himself becoming as familiar with her as she was with him. Very encouraging. "I'd say I'm an okay hero. I'm a good vigilante. I fucked up too much to be a good hero."
"You'd be surprised what you can get away with, and still be called a hero." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think that sometimes fucking it up shows you're trying. If you're doing something hard, you're bound to have missteps along the way. Not even your bats and birds are without fault."
She couldn't know from his thoughts, but he absolutely included himself in those bats and birds, at least in this one regard.
"No, I ...really fucked up. It's not something I want to talk about yet but, believe me. I don't get to be a hero after that. Being a hero is about more than having good intentions." She brushed his hair back from his face, and away from one pointed ear. Curious, she dragged a finger over the shape of it. "I do my best. And there are people who are alive today because of me. That's good enough."
"When you're ready," he acknowledged, to let her know he cared, but he didn't want to pry everything out of her with a crowbar within two days of attempting to deepen things between them either. He didn't pretend to know the shape of it, whatever had happened, but it had clearly hurt her. "But people can be a lot of things along the way, terrible things even, and still be somebody's hero in the end." He wanted very much to believe that, even if she didn't.
He liked looking at her, even from an odd angle, but he closed his eyes to enjoy the feel of it as she stroked his hair, letting her finger trace his ear. It made his skin tingle, warmth hushing gently through him, and he exhaled a pleased sigh.
"Your ears are sensitive." She'd already guessed that, but now she was certain. Which was awesome, because they were also completely fascinating and she could see herself spending a lot of time like this. "Being a hero is a weird thing. There's like...everyday heroes. Like firefighters and medics. And then there's Heroes, with the capital H. Superheroes. The people who save whole cities and worlds. The people I usually work with - Batman, Robin, Nightwing, Oracle - they're all capital H Heroes." She drew her finger down his jaw and over his mouth. "You're a capital H Hero. I...get pretty close to the little h kind sometimes."
"Well, they're ears," he pointed out lightly. Weren't they all sensitive? He'd pinched his sister's ear on more than one occasion when she was being a brat or he urgently needed her to pay him heed. Then again, maybe not, maybe it was just an elven thing or an half-elven one at least. He'd not really put a great deal of thought into it. He just liked the feel of Steph's attentions.
Vax spent more time thinking on what she'd said about heroes, capital or otherwise, parting his lips as her finger passed to give it a gentle nip. "We only get to be Heroes on occasion, when we're very lucky, and when we're not busy otherwise fucking things up. We've seen people die. We've watched cities fall. It's never only wine and roses."
"I'm pretty sure they're more sensitive than mine." She picked up her other hand and tested. It felt nice but not, like, tingly. Then again, maybe it was like trying to tickle yourself. Either way, the point was that he clearly liked it, so she kept up with her slow dragging exploration of his features. "I'm pretty sure if you're only dealing in wine and roses, you're the villain, not the hero. Being a hero is doing what's hard, not enjoying what's easy. Also, if you fight dragons, you're automatically a hero. That's in the rule book, I'm positive."
"So all we need to do to make sure you're a real hero is find you a dragon to fight." That wasn't the point, he knew, and proved by peeking his eyes open at her to offer the quirk of a smile. "It's the rules."
Steph laughed and tapped him on the nose. "I don't need to be a hero, Vax, just because I wanted to be at one point. I'm happy being me and seeing what comes next. I'm not done with my journey. There's no such thing as the end of a journey while you're alive."
It could be that you weren't finished even then, or not always. His dealings with the Raven Queen had made Vax wonder, but he didn't know enough to say anything for sure.
His face softened slightly at her answer. "Do you miss it? The action, the adventure, the wonder, the feeling that you're doing something with a purpose." Those weren't all the same thing, he knew. But on their best days, being a part of Vox Machina felt like that.
"Oh my god, all the time." She shook her head, smiling. "You know what you were saying about jumping off buildings? I'm addicted to it. I love it. Gotham is a dark and violent and ...fantastic place. It's full of people who could move literally anywhere else and have a simpler, easier life but who are so proud to call it home. And those are my people. That's my home. Being here is...good." She looked at him and felt her heart flutter, "More than good, because of you. I'd love to show you Gotham and teach you to train surf."
"I'd like to see it. To do it with you, whatever that is." He'd already told her as much, in different words, but it was worth saying again. "Just 'your place and chill' for a long while. Who knows, maybe we'll have a chance at it someday." He pulled himself upright to sit, to look at her better. "But if we can't have the places we're from... Being here is more than good, sure."
Continues with NSFW sexytimes here.
The first 24 hours after Vax showed up on her balcony, Steph was somewhere between shell-shocked and unwilling to question the sudden awesomeness of her life. The 24 after that, shock had worn off and she began to think about the fact that until he'd shown up on the balcony, Vax had not spoken to her in over a month. Which probably contributed to the shell-shock, when she thought about it.
Add to that, he'd been pretty upfront about some things but that wasn't the same as being upfront about all the things. And him saying he loved her (even 48 hours later, that still sounded impossible and insane) didn't mean that he knew her. Or would keep loving her after he did.
The idea of confronting Vax was basically terrifying. Breaking the first really good thing that had happened since she'd found herself here was a real possibility. Then again...if it was going to break, wasn't now better?
One thing that Steph did know...she hated being a coward.
This time, she was the one who swung in the window, landing on one of the two beds in his room. "Hey, can we talk?"
As pleasant as it had been spending the night with Stephanie, eventually things like food and promises made elsewhere became priorities again. So Vax'ildan was actually clothed in his usual black armor and feather cloak when she so casually vaulted into his rooms, and his eyes brightened at once with a smile for having seen her.
His lips, however, softened their enthusiasm after those words especially. He had the first start of a smile to his mouth, but had stopped himself from the whole wide splay of it before he knew what she was after. "I didn't think we'd even been doing this long enough for a 'talk,'" he said softly, moving to sit beside her on the bed she'd claimed as a shadow spills down stairs. And hadn't they already said so many things? All the things that needed knowing? "...What is it?"
Watching his smile vanish when he smiled so little as it was, made her feel like she'd murdered something beautiful. She almost reached over to take his hand. "I'm not sure how to say this. And I need you to know I'm not... I really like being with you. I'm so happy right now. And I don't want to fuck this up. So, this isn't me trying to sabotage us or anything. Okay?"
He studied her face for a moment, taking some comfort in the understanding that at least this wasn't a cut-away speech she'd prepared in advance. Though Vax did have to wonder what it was, if not that.
"Okay," he echoed back. "So if you're happy, and I'm happy with you... What needs talking about?"
Only a hundred things. "I'm happy because two days ago, you asked me to go with you to dinner. And said you loved me. But...three days ago, I was pretty damn miserable. And I'd been miserable for basically a month. I didn't know what I'd done wrong. Or if I'd fucked up our entire friendship. Or if we even still were friends. And...I guess what I'm trying to say is...what the actual fuck, Vax?"
He didn't look confused or affronted, when she'd asked him. What he did look like was... Unsettled, but resigned. "You didn't do anything wrong," he told her earnestly after a beat. There was a moment when that seemed all he had to say on the matter, but then Vax added - "And I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way."
Steph turned on the bed so she was facing him and this time didn't resist the need to take his hands. "That's...not really an answer. I mean, it's nice to hear, but I was hoping for an explanation of what you were thinking. I just want to understand what was going on, so that if you vanish on me again, I know what I should do about it."
He looked down at her hands, rather than at her face, at where she held his long hands with her own. There was another long pause before he spoke again. "I can't promise that I won't vanish again." Vax wasn't trying to be difficult. But he didn't know how to explain it well, either. Being with Keyleth had taught him to be bolder with his heart, to take chances, to not wait so long this time. But it hadn't taught him how to do this part, and he knew he was still at a loss.
Kash had said that she was good for Vax because she let him be who he was. Did that mean accepting that sometimes he'd just leave? That she'd have to sit around wondering and waiting and worrying that she'd done something unforgivable? Because once had been enough. She wasn't good at inaction. "I don't need you to promise you won't vanish. I need to know what the hell I'm supposed to do about it. Because I'll tell you what I won't do, I won't spend another six weeks afraid I've lost the best friend I have here."
I wouldn't do that to you, was what he wanted to say. What would've felt right. What she wanted to hear, maybe. But he'd just done that, so he couldn't very well ask her to forget it.
"I don't want that either," is what Vax said instead, looking back up to try and explain. "That's why I was away so long. I was heartsick and confused and I felt like I owed it to you, to Keyleth, to everybody, to make bloody well sure I knew what I wanted, and why I wanted it, and that whatever happened or didn't happen between us... I had to be sure I was ready to take whatever came along with that."
"You get what it was like for me though, right? While you were making choices about...us, I didn't know that this was even an option. I didn't know what you felt. And I'm here for it, don't get me wrong." She squeezed his hands and pulled them closer to her, putting them on her waist. "I want to be with you. I like that I can say that now without feeling like I've done something wrong. And, yeah, you had to make up your own mind about what it means that Keyleth isn't here. It might have been nice to know that's what you were doing, that's all I'm saying."
He rested his hands on her waist, hands eager to hold her once they'd been invited. She wasn't wrong, was the thing. And it wasn't that he didn't understand how he'd put her out. He did, and he'd kicked himself for it. He just... Didn't know how else to have gone about it, not in practice.
"It's not an excuse, but... I've only ever survived by hiding from things and walking away." Vax leaned in close, sliding arms around her middle, which was easier than looking her in the eye with space between them. And it let him press his lips to her temple. "I want to share more with you. But it will probably take me some practice."
She was beginning to understand that. He'd been the one to say something, but she'd been the one to reach out and gave him permission to touch. She'd been giving Bats reasons to open up since she was 14. The nice part with Vax was that he wanted to. He just didn't know if he was allowed. Steph leaned her forehead against his, linked her hands behind his neck, half-buried in feathers but touching skin. "Practice is important. I've got a lot to practice too. I'm not patient. And I'm not used to believing that I deserve to be part of things, so I try too hard to fit in. If you walk away...that hits me right in that doubt."
"There's a place for you right here," he promised, reaching up with a hand to stroke the back of her hair, keeping her close in the shared shelter of their arms. "We might not know what the fuck we're doing, we might not be so good at it yet, but we're making that place together. Okay?"
"Okay." Steph nodded and settled closer to him. "Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking and what you like. I'm not like your friends. I'm not a genius or magic or a chosen one. I can't read your mind or teleport to you. I'm just a normal person." She stroked her fingers along the back of his neck to emphasize the way they were sitting. "I like this, by the way. Just being close and having you holding me. I almost always am happy to be touched. You don't have to wait for permission."
"My friends are a lot of amazing things. But they're still people, as much as you. And we're all dumbasses when you get down to it." And really, he wasn't so much more likely to tell them something than he would be likely to tell Steph. Sure some of it was bound to come out as gibberish, like when she got to talking about things from her world he couldn't make heads or tails of, but that had never stopped them from enjoying the company before.
"Keyleth was... Inexperienced, self-conscious and touch-shy mostly. There wasn't often time besides." To touch, like this, the way you do, his hand explained, sliding away from her hair to cup her cheek. "I didn't want to assume too much like a great grabby jerk. But I'm almost always happy to touch you," Vax assured, stealing a soft kiss lightly away from her lips.
She chased the kiss, taking another one. "I kind of wondered about that. You always wait for me to touch you first." Which may have been why she was so persistent about invading his personal space, right from day 1. He'd never reacted badly to it, so she'd been pretty sure it wasn't that it was unwelcome. "I've told you about my ex. He was kind of the same way. Inexperienced and touch-shy, I mean. It took me ages to get him to second base and when I g..." She cut herself suddenly, realizing that she'd nearly walked right into a story that she wasn't sure how to tell. "Ah, I never really got him past that either, even after like three years. He was pretty sheltered, considering how we met."
"The Mallard boy," Vax nodded. When he stopped to think about it, it was more or less the opposite of what the Clasp did, collecting strays and training them to fight - but to stop crime rather than perpetrate it. He thought on her sudden shift in what she was saying, resting his hand at the join of her neck and shoulder. "You know, I don't want to push you. It takes time to talk about some things, and others just seem impossible to say aloud - believe me, I understand. But whatever you want to tell me... I want to know all about you, who you are, where you came from. Don't doubt that."
"Drake." Steph sighed and leaned into his touch. She didn't want to talk about it, but she also didn't want it to be a secret. It was a piece of her, the child she'd never met but hoped was doing well. But what would Vax think of her? Vax who had a mother who hadn't given up. "The thing I was going to say...is that when I got pregnant, he asked if it was his. It wasn't." She kept her eyes down, not wanting to see whatever his first reaction was. "That's why I'm obsessive about the condoms though."
Vax couldn't have kept the shock of it from his face if he'd wanted to, so maybe it was good she hadn't chosen to look. He didn't move his hands from her, but they did go very still. "You..." He had to start again, and it sounded no less stupid a second time. "You had a baby?" Or... It only occurred to him after he'd said it already. Maybe she hadn't.
"When I was fifteen. And yes, I had the baby. I didn't have an abortion." Her hands had fallen into her own lap, relinquishing any hold she had on him. She didn't look away from the raven skull clasp on his cloak. "I gave the baby up for adoption." She'd never actually had to tell anyone, she realized. She hadn't talked about it in years.
He still felt more stunned than if he'd been hit with stupefying magics. But he knew (saw, felt) how hard a subject it was for her. Something was needed.
Vax wasn't sure how he felt, or maybe it just felt like too many things at once to make them all out. He'd hated his father for his cold indifference all those years - but he knew Steph wouldn't give a child away for that. He'd loved his mother so much for having always managed for them on her own, for giving the twins everything she could, but it had been difficult for her. Keyleth told him she had her own druid methods of making certain she wouldn't bear a child until she was well ready, but he understood most women would never have such a luxury as that. At fifteen, Steph had only been a child herself when she'd become pregnant, and she hadn't come from a family of means either.
He leaned in to kiss Stephanie's forehead, his soft handholds stroking where he held her loosely. He wanted to pull her in closer, but maybe she needed a bit of space for this. Still, he wanted her to know he hadn't gone anywhere, and he still wanted to touch her. "I can't imagine how hard that choice would be," he finally managed.
She finally looked up, her jaw set and her eyes glimmering wetly. "I changed my mind a million times when I was pregnant, but I couldn't... I've told you what my father was. And my mom was still using then. How was I supposed to have a baby in that? What kind of family is that to give a kid? So I gave them up. It's a private adoption, I don't even know who the parents are. They don't know me." She drew in a long, shuddering breath. "But I know a lot of people think that's a shitty thing to do. Giving up your kid."
"Well fuck a whole lot of people then," he insisted. His heart hurt for her, seeing the tears in her eyes and the tension in her face. "What's shitty... Is to not care for your own child. To put your own wants and needs before their well-being." Vax looked her in the eyes, sad brown of his own meeting glistening blue. "I know you did what was best for them. And that... That makes a good mother, more than anything else."
Steph smiled a little at that. "I'm not a mother. I had a baby once, but they have a mother. And it isn't me. And that's okay." She rubbed her hands against her thighs. "I didn't want to see them. When I woke up after, Tim...Robin was there. He asked if I wanted to meet the baby before their parents took them. I said no."
"That would have made it harder," Vax guessed. He almost didn't know what else to say. There was one thing, and it sounded sort of trite, but it wasn't any less true. "...I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."
"It was a long time ago." She shook her head. "It sucked. Honestly, dating the Boy Virgin was kind of a relief for the first few years. No risk of repeats there. You know I dond't even know what happened to the kid who knocked me up? He totally ghosted when I told him. Not that I blame him, he wasn't much older than me and no more ready to have a kid than I was. Sorry, I'm just rambling."
"I like your rambling," Vax reminded, taking her hands for a squeeze. "Can I ask... What happened, with your ghost boy? I thought you were dating - Tim," Vax went with, though he noticed Steph called him by his several different names, because they were all of them somehow intimately related now.
"Oh god, that's complicated." It was a relief though, a much lighter and easier thing to talk about than the baby she'd carried but the child she'd never had. "I wasn't really dating Tim, not yet. Or not exactly. I had this double life going on. During the day, Stephanie Brown, high school gymnast, dating...or really just fucking this guy Dean. He was like me, broke as fuck, with parents who were just as checked out at mine. We weren't serious but we weren't not serious, you know? At night, I was Spoiler, teenage vigilante who had no business being out there. And I was desperately into Robin, the younger part of Batman and Robin. All I knew is that he was this hot guy in a mask who was about my age and he was hilarious when I flirted with him. I mean...I'm calling him Tim now, because I know that's his name. But I didn't then. He was just Robin. Stop me if this is confusing. I can draw a diagram.
"Eventually Dean and I broke up and Spoiler was getting closer to Robin -- and so was Steph, because of course he figured out who I was behind my mask." Steph settled back, visibly more comfortable telling this story than she had been the part about her pregnancy. "We had this relationship where we'd meet up on rooftops and beat up bad guys together and sometimes make out. Then I realized that I was pregnant. And Robin asked me the dumbest question ever." Or Alvin had. Because of course Tim had been that extra as to disguise himself for his own girlfriend. "So I pointed out that a few make out sessions do not a baby make."
He was content to listen, glad to see her enthusiasm and humor come back to her, drinking it in. Vax didn't have much to add as it was, at least not until the end. "Did he... Not realize you don't get babies from shaking hands and kissing?"
Steph laughed. "I think he was in shock. He's not dumb. In fact, he's crazy smart. But he's a year younger than me and he'd been a sheltered shy rich kid his whole life. I was a corrupting influence. Which is probably why Batman kept trying to fire me. Gotta protect the Boy Wonder from the street trash."
"You mean you were 'corrupting' a teenage boy from a life of virginal solitude? Your Batman was telling him to do combat in the streets and conceal his identity, breaking the law in the name of justice - you can't tell me sex is worse for a youth than that." Vax felt perfectly justified in saying as much, given his own experiences.
"Oh, it wasn't just the being a slut thing. Except in how that was a distraction." From the tone of her voice, it wasn't a label that she felt bad about. "I'm impulsive and hard-headed and I don't listen. I leap before I look, act before I have all the information. I'm not naturally gifted at anything. Batman liked exceptional people who were devoted to his mission. Which Tim was. Except if I was with him. I wasn't good enough for Batman to take seriously."
"Steph, I know that their approval meant a lot to you. I know you wanted to do what they did. But coming from someone completely outside the picture - they sound like assholes to me," he told her seriously.
That was somehow the last straw. Maybe it was his serious expression, maybe it was just the earlier tension snapping, but her laugh quickly turned into unstoppable giggles. "Oh god, they are. They so so are. You don't even know how right you are." She flopped over, laying on her back on the bed and kept laughing. "Do you know how long it took before Batman pretended to take me seriously? Three years. Three years and Tim quitting before he gave me a shot." She stretched out. "I slapped him once. Batman, I mean, not Tim. About two years ago. He was giving me some bullshit line about living up to this weird fucking test he'd put me through for no reason and I just...slapped him. It felt so good before the panic set in and I ran."
It would've been difficult for him to say why exactly, but he very much liked the way she'd invited herself to make use of the room, of the second bed, having made herself at home as nonchalantly as a cat. Maybe because Keyleth had always been so unsure of herself, even when he'd invited her in. It was a change he was fast getting used to, being with a woman who didn't hesitate so often.
He liked the picture she made, too - the pretty sprawl and her giddy laughter. And then he remembered what she'd said, that he didn't have to ask, he didn't have to wait, if what he wanted was to touch her. So Vax stretched out alongside her, resting a hand over her stomach, watching her with quiet, intense interest and a whisper-soft smile. "Tell me more about giving dickish authority figures shit," he suggested coyly. "That's like catnip for me."
Steph dropped her hand down and covered his with it, fingertips stroking idly along the back of his fingers. "You mean 'the entire life and times of Stephanie Brown'? Because that's basically my go to. Sass and lack of respect." She gave it some thought, trying to come up with a particular instance. "That's what Spoiler means. My vigilante name. I picked it because I was going to spoil my dad's plans. I was looking forward to seeing his face when he realized I was the one who had ruined everything. Of course, then I was going to kill him. Batman talked me out of that part."
His expression sobered, slightly. "...What did he say, that convinced you not to do it?"
"A few things. For one...if I wanted to be part of their team, I had to learn that we don't kill. If we kill, we're no better than the criminals we're going after. If I'd taken him out, Batman would have taken me out. Another...he's my dad. Even if I hate him, he was still my dad. If I killed him, it wouldn't have been him that destroyed my life. It would be me." Steph closed her eyes. "I wanted to stop him, not become him. So I punched him in the face and let the police take him back to prison. Again."
"For all the sass and lack of respect, you chose to be the better person in the end." He bent to kiss the back of her hand where she'd fitted it over his, then decided that each of the knuckles she would use to punch someone needed their own attention, setting his lips softly against each of them in turn.
She smiled and remained still. Her body wanted her to know how close he was, warming under his attention. She wasn't in a rush. "I wanted to be a hero. I wanted them to see me as a hero. Batman helped me understand that revenge isn't the same thing." She brought her other hand to stroke through the long dark fall of his hair. "Sassing the bad guys is okay though. They hate when you don't take them seriously."
"That's why Vox Machina always needed someone slippery to scout the bad guys out, talk some sass, and get them distracted while the heavy hitters moved in." He turned his face back her way, shifting around to use her rather muscle-toned belly as a pillow. "I bet you make a pretty good hero."
"You don't say? Whose job was that?" she teased. He adapted fast, letting himself becoming as familiar with her as she was with him. Very encouraging. "I'd say I'm an okay hero. I'm a good vigilante. I fucked up too much to be a good hero."
"You'd be surprised what you can get away with, and still be called a hero." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think that sometimes fucking it up shows you're trying. If you're doing something hard, you're bound to have missteps along the way. Not even your bats and birds are without fault."
She couldn't know from his thoughts, but he absolutely included himself in those bats and birds, at least in this one regard.
"No, I ...really fucked up. It's not something I want to talk about yet but, believe me. I don't get to be a hero after that. Being a hero is about more than having good intentions." She brushed his hair back from his face, and away from one pointed ear. Curious, she dragged a finger over the shape of it. "I do my best. And there are people who are alive today because of me. That's good enough."
"When you're ready," he acknowledged, to let her know he cared, but he didn't want to pry everything out of her with a crowbar within two days of attempting to deepen things between them either. He didn't pretend to know the shape of it, whatever had happened, but it had clearly hurt her. "But people can be a lot of things along the way, terrible things even, and still be somebody's hero in the end." He wanted very much to believe that, even if she didn't.
He liked looking at her, even from an odd angle, but he closed his eyes to enjoy the feel of it as she stroked his hair, letting her finger trace his ear. It made his skin tingle, warmth hushing gently through him, and he exhaled a pleased sigh.
"Your ears are sensitive." She'd already guessed that, but now she was certain. Which was awesome, because they were also completely fascinating and she could see herself spending a lot of time like this. "Being a hero is a weird thing. There's like...everyday heroes. Like firefighters and medics. And then there's Heroes, with the capital H. Superheroes. The people who save whole cities and worlds. The people I usually work with - Batman, Robin, Nightwing, Oracle - they're all capital H Heroes." She drew her finger down his jaw and over his mouth. "You're a capital H Hero. I...get pretty close to the little h kind sometimes."
"Well, they're ears," he pointed out lightly. Weren't they all sensitive? He'd pinched his sister's ear on more than one occasion when she was being a brat or he urgently needed her to pay him heed. Then again, maybe not, maybe it was just an elven thing or an half-elven one at least. He'd not really put a great deal of thought into it. He just liked the feel of Steph's attentions.
Vax spent more time thinking on what she'd said about heroes, capital or otherwise, parting his lips as her finger passed to give it a gentle nip. "We only get to be Heroes on occasion, when we're very lucky, and when we're not busy otherwise fucking things up. We've seen people die. We've watched cities fall. It's never only wine and roses."
"I'm pretty sure they're more sensitive than mine." She picked up her other hand and tested. It felt nice but not, like, tingly. Then again, maybe it was like trying to tickle yourself. Either way, the point was that he clearly liked it, so she kept up with her slow dragging exploration of his features. "I'm pretty sure if you're only dealing in wine and roses, you're the villain, not the hero. Being a hero is doing what's hard, not enjoying what's easy. Also, if you fight dragons, you're automatically a hero. That's in the rule book, I'm positive."
"So all we need to do to make sure you're a real hero is find you a dragon to fight." That wasn't the point, he knew, and proved by peeking his eyes open at her to offer the quirk of a smile. "It's the rules."
Steph laughed and tapped him on the nose. "I don't need to be a hero, Vax, just because I wanted to be at one point. I'm happy being me and seeing what comes next. I'm not done with my journey. There's no such thing as the end of a journey while you're alive."
It could be that you weren't finished even then, or not always. His dealings with the Raven Queen had made Vax wonder, but he didn't know enough to say anything for sure.
His face softened slightly at her answer. "Do you miss it? The action, the adventure, the wonder, the feeling that you're doing something with a purpose." Those weren't all the same thing, he knew. But on their best days, being a part of Vox Machina felt like that.
"Oh my god, all the time." She shook her head, smiling. "You know what you were saying about jumping off buildings? I'm addicted to it. I love it. Gotham is a dark and violent and ...fantastic place. It's full of people who could move literally anywhere else and have a simpler, easier life but who are so proud to call it home. And those are my people. That's my home. Being here is...good." She looked at him and felt her heart flutter, "More than good, because of you. I'd love to show you Gotham and teach you to train surf."
"I'd like to see it. To do it with you, whatever that is." He'd already told her as much, in different words, but it was worth saying again. "Just 'your place and chill' for a long while. Who knows, maybe we'll have a chance at it someday." He pulled himself upright to sit, to look at her better. "But if we can't have the places we're from... Being here is more than good, sure."
Continues with NSFW sexytimes here.