Stephanie Brown (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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strangetrip2018-03-01 09:33 am
st_upidgravity) wrote in strangetrip2018-03-01 09:33 am
Legal Woes
Part 1: Hell of a Long Lift
Once the word was out that another door to an Otherworld had opened (in Kashaw's room no less), Stephanie was practically bursting with eagerness to go, and Vax'ildan wasn't going to miss the chance to get out of the Inn with her. They'd seen the new things in the gift shop, but even if they did dress like the locals, they weren't going to fit in - none of them were human (or even a fraction elven). Their armored suits seemed a bit much for what they'd heard tell was an enclosed trading center of some sort, "in space" as the more modern folks seemed to accept straightaway, but that needed a large amount of explaining to Vax who argued all markets occupied space, didn't they?
All of which shortly put Steph and Vax in casual Inn garb plus traveling sacks on a metal ship with all manner of strange sentient beings, and from the ship, into a massive mechanical lift to get them all to a place they called Asphodel Station. Teevees thinner and sharper than any Vax had seen broadcasted information for arrivals in a number of languages totally unlike any he'd heard before - and, of all things, in Common. They'd watched and listened for the first five minutes or so, but it was pretty dry stuff compared to their excitement at being let out for a new adventure. The station was built on a date that made no sense, by some races they wouldn't know of, it was so many units of big and blah blah blah...
"Of course I want to explore the whole thing," Vax went on to Steph where they'd started a conversation rather than pay attention. "But we should try trading straightaway, before they catch on we've all got a lot of the same stuff on offer. What else do you want to look for first?"
Steph agreed with Vax that they weren't going to fit in anyway, but she'd gone for a mix of casual and local clothes. She'd also charged her phone, so that she could snap pictures. What was the point of being a tourist if you didn't get selfies in front of culturally important sites? She had paid slightly more attention to the announcement but Vax was always going to be more interesting than alien history. "Oh, the usual. Clothes, snacks, oh! You know what would be great, a clinic." Their phone call on Valentine's Day was still stuck in her head - not just for the obvious reason. An advanced place like this would surely have some kind of options.
"A clinic?" Vax had half-tried to watch the screens again, but he turned to look at Steph in full at that, a touch of concern in his eyes. "We've got one of those back there, you know. Are you... Is it something they can't help?"
"Hmm? Oh! No. I mean, yes, but not bad." Which was logically in Steph's head but probably confusing outside of it. She grinned. "Back home, in Gotham, I used to get these shots every three months. Birth control shots. It's a more set it and forget it kind of solution than condoms are, but not as crazy intense as getting an implant. The inn clinic doesn't have the stuff to make it, as far as I know, but I'll bet these guys do. Can I help you?" That last was to an alien who was staring at them with luminous eyes and an expression that even on unfamiliar features read as prudishly disapproving.
Shots? From a clinic. "Birth control...shots," Vax tried. "So it's a shot glass of potion, then? You drink it for the effect of... It just stops your body from making a child? But it's safe to drink something so potent?"
A half-striped, two-legged furry thing with long snout and tall ears herded two smaller ones (and another riding in a belly pouch, poking its nose curiously in their direction) several feet away from them.
Steph resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at the overprotective mom. "Not potions. Or not drinking potions anyway. It's an injection. We call them shots. Not sure why. But yeah, you get an injection or, well, I get an injection and I'm pregnancy free for three months." There was still no good male birth control. Which was dumb. Oh, maybe they had something here though. "I can tell you how it does it if you care. Mom made sure I understood completely before she'd sign off on it." The TV announcements were still droning on. She heard something about 'antisocial behavior' and tucked it away as a reminder to be friendly.
"You know all fancy science is as good as magic to me," he shrugged. "And I've got no idea how magic actually works. But I wouldn't mind." He looked at her pretty profile thoughtfully. "It's for sex, though? So we could do the thing without the other thing." Children present (he thought?), so he didn't get too explicit, but his expression was way more interested now that he thought he saw where she was going with this. Vax reached to thread his fingers with hers, smiling a bit. "That's something you're keen to do?"
She smiled, thumb caressing over the back of his hand. "I'm keen. I've been thinking about it since Valentine's Day. The other thing is good and important if you're not sure about STDs but they can break. This is better, since neither of us are sleeping with someone else. I mean, assuming they have something like what I'm thinking." It would be new for her. Back home, even with the depo shot, she'd never been in a stable enough relationship to do away with the condoms.
"It's the thought that counts, yeah?" Vax quieted, to look at her with the whole of his attention for a long moment, like she was the only person in the densely populated lift with them. The only person 'in space.' The only person anywhere.
The clinic might not have the birth control she wanted. Maybe she'd even change her mind about the whole thing, and that would be okay. But he knew how much the condoms had meant to her, and why, and even the idea that she'd been thinking about a way around it, and that it was because she thought this was something special, whatever they were doing together...
"You are so cool," he added softly. "Have I told you that recently?" He was really looking forward to this, with her, and especially without Percy side-eyeing her like their unapproving chaperone at every moment.
She'd only ever met a couple of people who could do that, look at you and make you feel like no one else existed. Like you were the only thing that mattered. "I'm a huge dork and you know it." She pulled him a little closer and wrapped her free arm around him. "You only think I'm cool because you're sleeping with me."
"That does help my impression of you, I admit," he followed suit to slide his arm around her shoulders and tuck Steph snug against him as he looked back up at the teevees. "You're the coolest dork I know."
The teevees had since moved on from what he figured was some sort of general conduct guide (it had been full of no this and no that and will nots with what appeared to be some sort of uniformed guards pictured), and begun to show a map of the station that helpfully showed what was where in full color and motion with arrows and the like. "Probably we should try to watch this," he suggested. "Looks like they're getting to the things that are really important."
* * *
The guided tour through the station had indeed proved helpful and when they finally got off the elevator ride that never ended - thank you for visiting Asphodel Station, piped a recorded female voice - it was pretty easier to head for the right area. There were shops and something promisingly called medical services. The way there was a feast for the eyes, with a half dozen different varieties of aliens, none remotely like anything she could have imagined. The shops glittered like Harajuku on acid, offering a bewildering array of items, the purposes of which were often unclear. "Um, was it a left here or a right?"
Vax looked both directions, half blinded by the neck-stretchingly tall, dizzyingly dancing array of lighted surfaces glimpsed through the bustle of so many fins and tails and short, shiny full-body suits. "It was... Yes. One of those two, definitely." Damn. Vex would know for sure which way was which. "Ah, well. We're exploring! Let's just pick one and see where it leads."
"I miss Google Maps." Steph shrugged and picked left, because she remembered from one of her psych classes that people tended to turn right by default. A few minutes and several more opportunities to windowshop later, she had to admit they were probably no closer than they'd started out. But they had found a cool light shifting sculpture. Steph snuggled up to Vax's side and watched it. "Do you think it does something or is it just art?"
He was still getting used to the feeling of having Steph touch him in an open public place. He wouldn't have thought himself to be so demonstrative, so used to expecting to draw his daggers at any moment in unknown territory that a small piece of him was paranoid to let his guard down. There was a subtle anticipatory tension strung through his narrow frame - ages old and as broken in as a worn pair of boots, a friend almost. But he did rather like having her affection given so freely, the weight and shape of her close to his body.
"Your guess is as good as mine," he admitted. Vax similarly comforted himself by focusing on the weight and shape of his blades strapped close to his body, well hidden under his hooded sweatshirt. "Do you think it would be dangerous to touch? It would, wouldn't it, if it's electric?"
Stephanie never seemed to be paying attention to her surroundings, at least not for danger. She definitely noticed all kinds of things - pretty baubles and exciting details, but that weird cat guy lurking in the shadow? Nah. "Depends how the electricity is being used, I think. If that's just light, it's not dangerous. But if it's a live wire or something, that might be." She looked around. No barriers except a differently tiled line on the floor kept people away from it. "They'd have more of a fence if it was dangerous, right? So that no one accidentally wandered in?"
"...On second thought, no one put fences around those electrical outlets at the Inn, either," Vax suggested, staring down the cat guy from behind Stephanie's back. Probably it was just interested because they looked so unusual compared to the races living here, but Vax didn't much care to find out either way. He reached to touch the small of Steph's back as if to steer her along. "And those are plenty dangerous. Plugs in them only, that's what experience has taught me. Let's say this thing is pretty and see what else they've got further on."
"Yeah, but everyone knows those are...oh. I see your point." She let him guide them away, but looked up at him sidelong from under her lashes. "So...how did you learn that the outlets weren't for putting anything except plugs in?" They left the art piece and the shady cat guy behind and ventured down another arcade. It was a bit quieter here and the shops seemed to be mostly empty with just a few items out for sale. It said expensive to Steph's mind, the kind of shit that made you get buzzed in and Pretty Womaned out once they had a look at you.
"The hard way," Vax admitted. "And after I woke up and changed my trousers, I decided I was done touching them altogether."
The posh avenue was rather the opposite of the type of place Vax was intending to do their bartering, but he wasn't shy about walking up to the windows and staring in at the individual items on pedestals anyway. "You're not much for fancy jewelry, are you? I'm trying to figure out how you'd even wear this thing," he pointed at a grape-like cluster of large gemstones that each rotated mysteriously in place over the bust of a figure so lean of face that its features were almost entirely fused to the shape of its head. They'd seen a lot of them imperiously promenading about the station so far, whatever they were. "I don't see a clasp or chain or band."
"I can't afford fancy jewelry, and I don't have anywhere to wear it if I did. And, you know, it cramps the vigilante lifestyle." Steph smiled and leaned into look at the ...necklace? Tiara? Earrings? "Some kind of anti-gravity field, maybe. It's cool. Definitely rich people jewelry. You can't have a real job if you're wearing that."
Vax turned to admire her as she peered into the window, but didn't say anything. She hadn't exactly said that she didn't like fancy jewelry... But something like this definitely wasn't her style.
"Well once we've found where they hide the poor people jewelry, let me know if you see any beads on offer. They're on my list." Those seemed to suit the adventuring lifestyle just fine.
Poor people jewelry was exactly Steph's speed. Plated metal and glass, not carats and gems. If they found something like that, she might even buy some earrings. "All this stuff is cool to look at but you've got to have more money than sense." She turned her head up to him and flashed a grin. "What kind of beads do you want?
"Wood, if they've got them." Vax shifted his eyebrows at her conspiratorily. "Olden tymey poor people jewelry," he mock-whispered.
She giggled. "I'd have said plastic." She could make wooden beads. That was easy. Sandpaper, a little drill, some polish. It would be hard to find on this station, probably. She hadn't seen any plants here, but back at the inn, there was plenty of wood around. There were a bunch of wood tchotkes in the shop.
"Let's see if we can't loop back around to where it isn't so blindingly bourgeois," he headed for the end of the lane.
A suggestion that Steph was more than happy to follow. The street continued to be super snobby, but then they turned a corner and it was night and day. Color, interest, and the cluttered attention-grabbing displays that Steph associated with things she may one day afford reappeared, as did the people. Even better... "Hey, isn't that the street name where the medical services was supposed to be?" She grabbed Vax's hand to pull his attention to where she was looking.
The welcome sights and smells of shops rather than the museum-quality-chill of boutiques met them once they'd outrun the money, and Vax turned on his heel with a soft sound of surprise for the tug of Steph's hand. He made no effort to get it back though, falling into brisk step with her once she'd reoriented them. "Let's see... Pointy mountain squiggle, looping squiggle, curve, slanty-circle-thing... That's the one," he agreed brightly.
Steph chuckled and laced her fingers with his as they wandered in the appropriate direction. Again the brighter colors of the shops faded, replaced with utilitarian doors and one bright sign that she sort of hoped meant 'clinic' and not 'authorized personnel only'. She found that she was nervous, and tightened her grip on Vax's hand. Since she'd come back from Africa, she'd found that she had a little bit of White Coat Syndrome. Hard not to, when you knew that your doctor once let you die for another's sins. "It's weird that they didn't make us get vaccinations or something before coming aboard. You totally have to when you travel abroad back home." The babble fell from her lips before she could stop it.
At first, Vax mistook her grip on his hand for her earlier enthusiasm about birth control that didn't need plastic penis pockets. But the closer they got to the sign that they'd noted in the teevee tour of the place, the tighter it seemed to get. And a bit clammy, even. He slowed their steps, just slightly, and angled them for the side of the building rather than straight at the door, as if the growing number of people bustling through the streets was more difficult to navigate through. It wasn't, not for someone who'd learned to feel comfortable slipping in and around the busy energy of a city, which as far as he knew was both of them. "...Steph," he murmured, having begun to learn the difference between her happy babble and her anxious babble. "Are you alright with this? I mean, really alright?"
The last thing he wanted was for her to think she had to do this because of him.
Steph bit her lip and didn't quite meet his eyes. "It's not... It's. Doctors. I have this stupid reaction to doctors. I'm okay. It's dumb, because my mom's a nurse and I totally respect the medical profession but I get nervous in hospitals and things like that because...because. It's not the birth control. Birth control is awesome. It's just White Coat Syndrome. Which you haven't heard of. Um. Doctors in my world, they tend to wear white coats. So getting nervous around them is jokingly called White Coat Syndrome. I feel like I'm saying that a lot. White Coat Syndrome." She pulled in a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Her jaw took on a determined set. "I'm good. We're doing this. I've never listened to my brain before, I'm not starting now. Wait, that sounded wrong..."
"Made perfect sense to me," he muttered. Vax didn't know if it was because he was so used to getting healed when he went jenga and that he would've died dozens of times over if he tried to stop anyone healing him, or because doctors in Tal'Dorei weren't good for a lot of things compared to magic, but he'd never felt what she was feeling about getting patched back together. (Anxiety around the vividly remembered sensation of having half his foot melted off, or getting gutted by a demon wearing a dear friend's face, or being crushed by the insides of a dragon, sure...)
He let her crush his narrow hand as hard as she liked, bringing the other up to tuck her hair back behind her ear. "Is there anything I can do to make it easier, going in there?"
"You're here. That's good enough." She led this time, making their way to the medical services door and inside. Apparently waiting rooms were a universal constant, with chair-like devices in neat rows around the walls. Behind a desk, one of those flat faced aliens was tapping on a screen and ignoring them. Next to that person, a furred Gunnii waited expectantly.
No matter where you went, it seemed, there was bureaucracy to be found. Despite all the surfaces gleaming and a strange melodic buzzing that he supposed might be intended as calming music, it at once reminded Vax'ildan of trying to get an appointment with your local lord in Tal'Dorei to complain about a monster stealing your goats or a blight ruining your crops or somesuch. "Ah, hello," he piped up. Vax initially made the mistake of trying to talk to the one tapping the flat teevee, since maybe that one was higher ranking, but then pivoted to the furry thing when it actually bothered to look at him. "We're visiting, obviously, and wondering if your doctors would be able to treat humans - that's this beauty here," he picked up the hand he held with Steph to demonstrate who he meant by that. "Or really anyone that falls into the 'other races' category around here, which would include me also," he gestured at his own body. He wasn't entirely against the idea of getting birth control shots for himself, so that Steph wasn't always the one being responsible.
The creature behind the desk tilted their head all the way to one side then back again. They produced another of those ipad-ish things and set it on the counter. "Our honorable Ver can treat thousands of individuated species. I'm sure your human will be no challenge. Fill out the forms. What is your complaint?"
Steph smiled as Vax took the lead on explaining why they were here. It was sweet. "No complaints. Prevention."
"We'd like to make it so we can't have any unintended babies," Vax went on, looking the creature in the dark, shiny, pupil-less eyes. It wasn't really that odd, since he was well used to dealing with dragonborn and tieflings and other humanoids of a wider range than were commonly found at the Inn. "And she's willing, but I don't mind either. I'm male, if that makes a difference?" Vax picked up the strangely thin teevee panel they'd put out for them, but even where it was translated into Common, the wording of the language was bizarre. He passed it to Stephanie as readily as he would've handed it over to Vex or Percy. "Is this a contract?"
"Medical intake," Steph murmured as she scanned it. There were an awful lot of listed conditions that she'd never heard of.
The clerk brightened. "Oh yes, we can easily do that procedure. A quick bioscan, some analysis, and we'll tailor the vasectomy to your anatomy."
Steph burst out laughing.
Vax actually made a loud pained sound in reaction to the very idea. "OH - no, gods, no," he tried to correct, and hastily. He lifted both hands high and took two big steps back away from the counter, suddenly afraid of touching the teevee pane and hoping he hadn't condemned himself by touching it already. "I don't want that! It's just - birth control! That's what we're after. You take shots. Injections." He looked over at Steph in her fit of laughter, hoping she'd pull herself together enough to use her better understanding of the medicine and bail him out before anyone or anything tried to come after his balls.
It took a moment for her to pull herself together, especially when Vax reacted like a cat tossed in a lake. "Hormone adjustments," she gasped finally. "Temporary contraceptives, not permanent ones." The doctor person was looking at both of them like they were bugs, which just made her dissolve into giggles again. "Is that something you can do?"
The Gunnii maintained a professional expression. "That will be up to the honorable Ver." They held out their hand, clearly wanting the iPad back. Steph relinquished it. She'd barely gotten through any of the questions.
The wet lake-cat in question assured himself that he and his balls were safe - they couldn't do anything without their contract signed, and he hadn't signed it, right? And after he'd had a nice deep breath to steady himself, Vax tried to summon up some small part of charm that reflected his sister's before making his lips into what approximated a friendly smile and stepping back up to the counter, resting his hands on the smooth surface. This time, however, he was turned towards Flat-face, who seemed to be the one that needed convincing. "If you'd be so kind-"
Before he could so much as test his charm, Flat-face was picking up some kind of stylus. "I am extracting your sample now, creature," it snapped at the obnoxiously mobile one in a pinched tone. Its arm flashed out, purposefully not touching the vile thing, but letting the beam of the phase-extractor snatch the necessary amount of epidermis to cycle through their DNA analysis interface. "Be still."
No part of Vax wanted to fucking be still as blue light came out of the doctor's tool to take a pin-sized chunk out of his skin, even before he could back himself away from the beam. It wasn't that it hurt - only a pinch, really - but it was so unexpected that Vax's hand reflexively grasped for one of his blades before he could remind himself that pulling a weapon on the doctor was probably going to end up badly for them. "That's not much of a warning," he stopped his hand, setting his teeth to content himself with a glare at Flat-face.
"Whoa!" Steph held herself very still and did not punch the doctor. "Damn it, bro, you need permission for that kind of thing where I'm from." She jerked her head at the tablet. "He hasn't read that, let alone signed it."
The Gunnii went very still and the doctor turned slowly to look at Stephanie. "You're speaking to me, creature?"
"Yeah, you're the moron opening yourself up to an assault charge," she snapped back.
The tablet beeped. The doctor looked down at it and made a disgusted noise. It spoke to the Gunnii and resumed ignoring the ostensible patients. "No matches. Call station security and have the creature removed."
Security was coming, to 'remove the creature.' Vax didn't know if that meant him or Stephanie, but he didn't want either of them to get taken in. "Let's go. They're not going to help us here," he turned, an urgent note in the words as he grabbed for Steph's hand in the opposite of how they'd come in. He had no idea what they'd be up against - Guards? Weapons? Dogs? Arrest? Would they ever get out of a 'space jail?' What would happen if they were on this side of the portal when it closed? He'd rather not find out any of it.
The clerk looked up with a smile for Vax. "You can go, sir but the human has to stay. Station security will be here directly. Please don't make this unpleasant."
Steph pulled Vax to a halt, shaking her head. "Vax, it's fine. I want to talk to them about how that jerk-ass doctor assaulted you."
He frowned at her softly where she'd stopped him. "I don't know anything about how this place works," he admitted. "But I don't think they would be calling the guards if they thought they could be found at fault. What do they even need them for? It's not like you've done anything!" All he could come up with was 'disturbing the peace,' but even that was a long fucking stretch. Of course, Steph didn't know any better than he did.
Vax looked back at the long-nosed long-eared one, since Flat-face was clearly a dick. "Why is security coming? We don't like being manhandled, but it's not as if we've started a fight. You want us to go, we can go freely."
The Gunnii looked regretful. "Your human insulted honorable Ver."
Steph had said worse to people who hadn't assaulted her boyfriend, so that didn't make a lot of sense to her, but she could tell that the little alien guy thought it was serious. She sighed. "Fine, whatever. I'm sorry I insulted you, Doctor. We'll go." She turned to Vax. "Let's go find beads."
"Hardly," Vax insisted back at the clerk, thinking of all the things they could have said to Flat-face and how. But would they really be able to just walk out of there? The furry fellow had just said Steph couldn't leave... Now that she was on board with Plan GTFO, maybe they still had time to scram before security got there.
"There you have it, an apology and everything. 'My human' and I will be going," he made quickly for the door.
They made it outside and halfway down the corridor before two aliens who screamed cop with their every movement blocked their progress. Steph caught Vax's arm and pulled him to a halt. "Well, fuck."
His arm 'casually' crossed his front as Vax pushed ahead of Steph to block their access to her with his body. His hand strayed closer to where he'd need to draw his blades from under the loose-fitting sweatshirt. He didn't want to try his luck with a fight, not especially. But they might run out of options in all of two seconds. "Finally, station security! We were just rudely accosted in the medical office. Awful service, the worst, and they've injured me - we're very upset about it. We want to put in a complaint with you," he got it all out quickly.
"You may file all complaints with your relevant representative." The security officer - one of the cat people - sounded bored as he answered. "You there, come with us."
Steph put her hand on Vax's. Mouthing off to a doctor was one thing, but cops were another. She wasn't going to get into a fight with people who were armed and had the law behind them. At least not out of uniform. Which reminded her... "This is all a misunderstanding. I apologized for being rude. We just want to go on our way." She slipped her backpack off her shoulder and held it loosely in one hand.
Vax grudgingly lowered his hands to his sides at her touch. He thought it was a mistake to let her go with them. He'd feel differently if this was Tal'Dorei, where he'd just get Scanlan or Percy maybe to waltz on into the office of the jail and make it go away as easily as it'd happened with some fancy words and a bit of coin. Or even if it was Steph's Gotham, where she knew what she'd be in for. This place... They had no clue what to expect. They could kill everyone who got arrested here, for all they knew. "We're visitors here for the first time, we don't know anything."
He found that Steph's bag was brushing the back of his hand. Vax understood, taking the strap into his own hand, what the handoff meant better than anything she'd said to him out loud. She meant to let them take her, in spite of how stupid it all was.
She felt him take the weight of her bag and knew their thoughts were running along the same lines. "Go get...help. From the inn. Someone there has to have a law degree or something. I'll be okay." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Come rescue me soon." Then she stepped around him, hands out to her sides.
"That doctor in there really did just stab my boyfriend without his consent. So you'd better look into that," she announced to the security team as she approached them.
The guards could both be dead in a matter of seconds, he reminded himself. And then they could run back to the Inn and everything would be boring and funny as usual.
But Vax knew even as he thought it that it was no good. There were a half-dozen reasons why that was a terrible, awful, fuck-you-up shit idea, and the only good reason was because he was scared he might lose Steph somehow. It was a very compelling reason, but still only the one.
"Okay," Vax answered back. "I will. As soon as I can, I will." He'd even try to do it the way Steph wanted, first.
Part 2: Fetching aid - Scanlan's arrival
Part 3: Attorneys at Tol and Smol
"Remember," Sam said as they approached the room they'd been told to meet the Verinean magistrate and Steph in. "To them, we're sentient cockroaches. Don't make eye contact, don't refer to the magistrate as anything other than 'Ver' and whatever you do, don't touch any Verineans."
The door slid open in front of them, revealing a room that looked like it had been stolen off the set of Law & Order. Other than the pale-ass Verinean who looked more like a victim on a morgue slab than a judge, the entire set up, including Steph being handcuffed to a table was 20th century Americana by design.
It made no sense, because how would they know, and why would they choose that instead of whatever Vax and Scanlan were used to? Or maybe they all saw what they expected to see--there were monsters that could do that. But if they had the ability to project psychically, this could go really bad, really fast.
The whole experience had been surreal, down to the orange jumpsuit they'd given her. She didn't even know why she was in this room. No one had told her anything, just given orders - wear this, eat this, sleep now, come with us. She'd done two of the four. She didn't trust the food or her cellmate and had started to regret telling Vax to stand down almost immediately. The door swished open and admitted Vax and with him Sam and a short man Steph had never met but was worried she recognized anyway. She said nothing, but raised her eyebrows at Vax questioningly.
Vax knew he wasn't supposed to talk or shove about. He knew that his job was just to get everybody into the same room and insist Steph was being unfairly judged and that, yes, that doctor had fucking well jumped him only when he was called upon.
But also... If anybody so much as twitched funny, he was drawing his blades. He'd come dressed in his cloak and armor this time, and either they hadn't noticed his weapons tucked close to his person under the fall of black feathers, or maybe they were considered too primitive, or a half-human too inept to do much damage with them.
Whatever the case, it was equal parts relief and anxiety when he saw Stephanie looked tired, but not as if they'd roughed her up. Scanlan, his lips moved silently for Steph's benefit, pointing his eyes over at the gnome.
Scanlan's preparation before they came was to grab a bunch of paper from the back of the Inn desk. He still looked like he'd been through a battle, which he had, but he planned to use that to his benefit if he needed too.
When they entered the room and saw Vax's girlfriend who, he had to give Vax credit, was pretty good looking, he started to speak immediately. "I'm Burt Reynolds and this is my associate, Jack Horner. We're here to get our client out of prison from being unlawfully detained and harassed." He flopped the big stack of papers which all had minor illusion cast upon them to look like there was legal writing on it. All really small and filled up the whole space with various fees and lines for signatures.
Jack Horner? Boogie Nights seriously? God. He was as bad as Dean. And how did he even know those names when he hadn't been in the Inn ten minutes before they left for the Station? Sam converted an eye roll to an imposing look and a nod, but his gaze stayed just below the line of the ghoulish Verinean's. Which was easy to do, since the guy (woman? were they even gendered?)--the Verinean--didn't lower its gaze even a fraction to see what Scanlan--Burt--had set on the table.
"Creature is lawfully detained under section 4A-subsection 52B12 of the Interspecies Compact, Asphodel Station, 47th and current edition. Creature will serve sentence and be released in 10.372 days," the Verinean said.
This time Sam didn't wait for "Burt" to speak up. "Under subsection 93C4A of the same section, any creature convicted under this section may describe mitigating circumstances of their offense. Based on subsection 93C4A, we respectfully request from Ver a detailed statement of the events giving rise to the charge."
"Request denied. Creature may speak to other creatures of the events surrounding creature's arrest." The Verinean picked up a computer pad and began reading as though they weren't even there.
Steph leaned toward her...attorneys? and whispered, "What does that mean?"
"I've got no fucking clue," Vax admitted freely with a matched whisper as they approached. "But Mr. Horner here studied law before the Inn. And Mr. Reynolds-" He looked back (down) at Scanlan with a gesture of his hand. "He has good timing, for one. He's unconventional, maybe, but things usually work out in his favor. And this won't be the first time he's got us and ours out from behind bars."
"Creature is actually Lady Stephanie of the planet 3rd Rock from the Sun, heir to the Galactic Empire and the fortunes of the Vulcan Mines. This is her manservant, Starbuck," Scanlan gestured to Vax. "Who is property of Lady Stephanie and so, Ipso facto, when the manservant was attack, her property was being attack and in accordance to the intergalactic treaty 42, Section 21x2, she was in her rights to defend her property from said attack. In regards to the a priori and the a posteriori, if you wish to avoid any further persecution from the Federation of Planets, I suggest you let Steph here go and we can pretend the whole thing never happened." Scanlan started to move the papers. "If not, we'll be filing an injunction. an appeal, a lunch order, an OSC, an OCC, A cross motion, twelve objections, and a late fee charge."
That...was an impressive line of bullshit. Impressive enough that Sam didn't even laugh at lunch order and late fee charge. He just loomed as impressively as he could.
The Verinean replied, "Third Rock from the Sun is a dead planet. Galactic Empire and Federation of Planets are non-existent entities. There is no intergalactic treaty, and this man who is not her manservant was not under attack," and then it went back to scanning its pad.
Since it had given them permission to talk to Steph, and it didn't seem like the Verinean was impressed by their arguments, Sam walked over to talk to her. "What actually happened, Steph?"
Steph drew in a long, slow breath. "Vax and I were at the medical clinic for a simple question about routine birth control. We were still trying to explain that when the doctor stabbed Vax with some kind of tool. I...lost my temper a little bit and said some things that were kind of rude--"
Here the Verinean broke in. "For the official record, creature has again used insult 'doctor' against Ver."
Steph threw her hands up in the air, or rather tried to before being halted by the cuffs keeping her chained to the table. "It's not an insult, it's a job description!"
These aliens were worse than Elves and that was saying something.
Scanlan looked at Sam, but his voice was loud enough to reach the Ver. "I thought the Ver were smart enough to handle dumb humans." He shrugged. "I mean, they're very smart and humans are very dumb. No offense. But I guess it's hard when you're so smart to realize someone is so dumb they need a lesson rather than punishment. I knew a Ver once who made people write an essay about whatever needed learning. That Ver was a good Ver indeed."
Nice tactic. Sam nodded and added, "I heard that same Verinean made an offender write 'I am a creature, Ver is Ver,' one hundred times on a blackboard. And then a hundred more times to make sure it sank in. Maybe Steph should do that to show her penitence." He made a face at Steph and willed her not to say anything that was going to get her in more trouble.
Once again, the Verinean paid them no attention. It didn't seem to care what they did or said. After a few quiet moments, the Verinean announced, "There is no mitigation for creature's offenses. Creature will serve its full sentence and other creatures will be pleased not to be serving time with creature."
Steph groaned and dropped her face in her hands. "You guys, it's fine. 10 days isn't that long. 240 hours. Just get me credited for time served or something."
It was super weird that the same beings that had Steph jailed and claimed to be the law in this place hardly seemed to give two shits what their group was doing in the room and barely what they were saying. Vax moved to where he could wrap an arm around Steph's shoulders at her table, waiting to be stopped but not finding any resistance once he was there. He glanced back at Scanlan and Sam, more concerned than Steph in that regard. "We don't know for sure when the door on our side will close," he muttered urgently. "How can any of us know she'll be safe to come back with us if that happens and she's still locked away in here?"
This was getting annoying. The Ver made Vax's dad look like a lovable guy.
Scanlan sighed. "Alright alright.." It definitely helped that the Ver did not seem to be paying attention to them and especially him. He lifted up his handcone. "Let's just pretend this never happened and let Stephanie go free without any criminal record."
And he cast suggestion on the Ver.
At first, the suggestion seemed to anger the Verinean. It raised a pale brow to scowl and began to speak (to tell the small creature not to try any tricks on it), but a look of confusion spread over its features. "I suppose that might be possible," it said slowly.
Sam also lifted a brow, but he was just surprised and a little concerned that the Verinean might not stay convinced. "Sure, we would be happy to do that," Sam said, trying to reinforce whatever Scanlan had done by making it seem like the Verinean's suggestion. "We'll just take St--the creature and stop wasting this Ver's time."
"Yes, that would be best," the Verinean agreed.
That's why Burt Reynolds is the best. Already at Stephanie's side and not seeing any aliens coming forward fast enough for his liking to let the prisoner loose, Vax suddenly had a lockpick at hand from where it had been hidden on his person. He wasted no time jimmying the easy-peasy lock on her manacles as if he was simply helping to do what the, ah, Ver wanted. "Quickly," he urged under his breath, helping Steph to her feet.
Stephanie wasn't sure what had just happened, but she wasn't going to question it. All she wanted in life was to get out of here, get a shower and stuff her face with something that wasn't... whatever that stuff had been. "Thank you, Ver," she said in her best humble voice, then grabbed Vax's hand for safety and let him haul her toward the door, followed presumably by her...lawyers? Sure, go with that term.
He had never cast a spell on an alien before (he didn't even know the term until half and hour ago) so Scanlan was all for getting out as quickly as possible. He was right behind Stephanie, trying to look casual while also being in haste.
Sam knew better than to dilly dally when something unexpected turned in their favor and he followed them out into the hall. They had gotten only a few steps out into the hall when he heard more footsteps approaching. Don't look back.
"Stop. This is unauthorized prisoner transport."
Sam turned back. "Excuse us, Ver. That Ver agreed we could leave," he said calmly.
More Verineans approached the front of the group, blocking the hallway.
Shifting his body to make sure the various Vers would have to pass through him before getting at Steph where she held his one hand, his other hand flexed in anticipation of drawing a blade. But Vax didn't forget that that whole point of this had been Steph wanting to abide their rules and keep the peace. He waited. "Could you do that again maybe," he muttered at Scanlan.
Steph clutched Vax's hand harder, feeling the tension in his body. Their group was outnumbered. She was unarmed and unarmored, which was more of a wrinkle than a problem if they had to fight. But there was still an entire station to get through, an endless elevator ride from hell that left them sitting ducks, and the inevitable result of being a wanted criminal like her father. Even though they'd never see this place again once the door closed, that felt skin-crawlingly awful. She did not want this to turn into a fight. "This creature is sure that Ver in the room is already updating your system. Maybe Vers can check?"
"Not to this many right now." He was almost tapped out, having come from a battle with a god.
Not that he was any good with it, his hand was ready to pull out Mythcarver if he needed to. "Any ideas big man?" he whispered to Sam.
"Not unless you can stall them while I draw a sigil in blood..." Sam muttered, but actually Steph had the right idea and Sam spoke up. "These creatures were told they had wasted too much of Ver's time and they should leave now. These creatures do not wish to cause Vers any more trouble. The--"
Before Sam could get another sentence out, a computerized voice sounded from a speaker somewhere in the corridor. "According to VerJusticial Calculatorix 75.6AT4, time served plus externalities and proper procedure benefits compute to 12.137592 days. Creatures are free to go."
This whole place was fucking topsy-turvy, and if not for how strangely the order was worded, Vax might've thought it was Scanlan throwing his voice or something. But the Verineans seemed to think this strange voice from the sky was entirely normal, so far as he could tell. "...We all heard that," he tried to seize on the hopeful sound of it before Steph's freedom could slip through their fingers again. "The part where 'the creatures are free to go.'"
She had definitely not been here for 12 days, but she was not about to complain. The PA system said she could go, she was going. "We'll come back for my stuff," she muttered quietly, and with Vax in tow, strode forward through the line of Ver guards, which scattered like she was a leper. If luck held, they'd make it to the endless elevator before someone shouted 'halt!'
Scanlan was keeping his fingers crossed that his spell held out until they were completely gone. The gnome followed the others quickly, not wanting to be left behind, especially if the Ver he charmed figured out what happened. He had to give it to Vax, though. He did make his welcome to this new place interesting.
Sam let the others go ahead of him, in part because the gnome was smaller and he didn't want Scanlan being left behind, but in part because he was confident 'proper procedure benefits' meant while they'd skirted the edge, they hadn't crossed any lines (except maybe that spell-thing Scanlan had cast) and fleeing always looked guilty. So the others were a good ninety feet from the "VerJusticial Center" or whatever it was called when Sam felt something poke at his ankle. He looked down and discovered a small (somehow jaunty) little Roomba-looking creature holding out a bag of Steph's belongings.
His mouth twitched with a very small smile, and as he took the bag, he murmured, "Thanks, R2."
Once the word was out that another door to an Otherworld had opened (in Kashaw's room no less), Stephanie was practically bursting with eagerness to go, and Vax'ildan wasn't going to miss the chance to get out of the Inn with her. They'd seen the new things in the gift shop, but even if they did dress like the locals, they weren't going to fit in - none of them were human (or even a fraction elven). Their armored suits seemed a bit much for what they'd heard tell was an enclosed trading center of some sort, "in space" as the more modern folks seemed to accept straightaway, but that needed a large amount of explaining to Vax who argued all markets occupied space, didn't they?
All of which shortly put Steph and Vax in casual Inn garb plus traveling sacks on a metal ship with all manner of strange sentient beings, and from the ship, into a massive mechanical lift to get them all to a place they called Asphodel Station. Teevees thinner and sharper than any Vax had seen broadcasted information for arrivals in a number of languages totally unlike any he'd heard before - and, of all things, in Common. They'd watched and listened for the first five minutes or so, but it was pretty dry stuff compared to their excitement at being let out for a new adventure. The station was built on a date that made no sense, by some races they wouldn't know of, it was so many units of big and blah blah blah...
"Of course I want to explore the whole thing," Vax went on to Steph where they'd started a conversation rather than pay attention. "But we should try trading straightaway, before they catch on we've all got a lot of the same stuff on offer. What else do you want to look for first?"
Steph agreed with Vax that they weren't going to fit in anyway, but she'd gone for a mix of casual and local clothes. She'd also charged her phone, so that she could snap pictures. What was the point of being a tourist if you didn't get selfies in front of culturally important sites? She had paid slightly more attention to the announcement but Vax was always going to be more interesting than alien history. "Oh, the usual. Clothes, snacks, oh! You know what would be great, a clinic." Their phone call on Valentine's Day was still stuck in her head - not just for the obvious reason. An advanced place like this would surely have some kind of options.
"A clinic?" Vax had half-tried to watch the screens again, but he turned to look at Steph in full at that, a touch of concern in his eyes. "We've got one of those back there, you know. Are you... Is it something they can't help?"
"Hmm? Oh! No. I mean, yes, but not bad." Which was logically in Steph's head but probably confusing outside of it. She grinned. "Back home, in Gotham, I used to get these shots every three months. Birth control shots. It's a more set it and forget it kind of solution than condoms are, but not as crazy intense as getting an implant. The inn clinic doesn't have the stuff to make it, as far as I know, but I'll bet these guys do. Can I help you?" That last was to an alien who was staring at them with luminous eyes and an expression that even on unfamiliar features read as prudishly disapproving.
Shots? From a clinic. "Birth control...shots," Vax tried. "So it's a shot glass of potion, then? You drink it for the effect of... It just stops your body from making a child? But it's safe to drink something so potent?"
A half-striped, two-legged furry thing with long snout and tall ears herded two smaller ones (and another riding in a belly pouch, poking its nose curiously in their direction) several feet away from them.
Steph resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at the overprotective mom. "Not potions. Or not drinking potions anyway. It's an injection. We call them shots. Not sure why. But yeah, you get an injection or, well, I get an injection and I'm pregnancy free for three months." There was still no good male birth control. Which was dumb. Oh, maybe they had something here though. "I can tell you how it does it if you care. Mom made sure I understood completely before she'd sign off on it." The TV announcements were still droning on. She heard something about 'antisocial behavior' and tucked it away as a reminder to be friendly.
"You know all fancy science is as good as magic to me," he shrugged. "And I've got no idea how magic actually works. But I wouldn't mind." He looked at her pretty profile thoughtfully. "It's for sex, though? So we could do the thing without the other thing." Children present (he thought?), so he didn't get too explicit, but his expression was way more interested now that he thought he saw where she was going with this. Vax reached to thread his fingers with hers, smiling a bit. "That's something you're keen to do?"
She smiled, thumb caressing over the back of his hand. "I'm keen. I've been thinking about it since Valentine's Day. The other thing is good and important if you're not sure about STDs but they can break. This is better, since neither of us are sleeping with someone else. I mean, assuming they have something like what I'm thinking." It would be new for her. Back home, even with the depo shot, she'd never been in a stable enough relationship to do away with the condoms.
"It's the thought that counts, yeah?" Vax quieted, to look at her with the whole of his attention for a long moment, like she was the only person in the densely populated lift with them. The only person 'in space.' The only person anywhere.
The clinic might not have the birth control she wanted. Maybe she'd even change her mind about the whole thing, and that would be okay. But he knew how much the condoms had meant to her, and why, and even the idea that she'd been thinking about a way around it, and that it was because she thought this was something special, whatever they were doing together...
"You are so cool," he added softly. "Have I told you that recently?" He was really looking forward to this, with her, and especially without Percy side-eyeing her like their unapproving chaperone at every moment.
She'd only ever met a couple of people who could do that, look at you and make you feel like no one else existed. Like you were the only thing that mattered. "I'm a huge dork and you know it." She pulled him a little closer and wrapped her free arm around him. "You only think I'm cool because you're sleeping with me."
"That does help my impression of you, I admit," he followed suit to slide his arm around her shoulders and tuck Steph snug against him as he looked back up at the teevees. "You're the coolest dork I know."
The teevees had since moved on from what he figured was some sort of general conduct guide (it had been full of no this and no that and will nots with what appeared to be some sort of uniformed guards pictured), and begun to show a map of the station that helpfully showed what was where in full color and motion with arrows and the like. "Probably we should try to watch this," he suggested. "Looks like they're getting to the things that are really important."
* * *
The guided tour through the station had indeed proved helpful and when they finally got off the elevator ride that never ended - thank you for visiting Asphodel Station, piped a recorded female voice - it was pretty easier to head for the right area. There were shops and something promisingly called medical services. The way there was a feast for the eyes, with a half dozen different varieties of aliens, none remotely like anything she could have imagined. The shops glittered like Harajuku on acid, offering a bewildering array of items, the purposes of which were often unclear. "Um, was it a left here or a right?"
Vax looked both directions, half blinded by the neck-stretchingly tall, dizzyingly dancing array of lighted surfaces glimpsed through the bustle of so many fins and tails and short, shiny full-body suits. "It was... Yes. One of those two, definitely." Damn. Vex would know for sure which way was which. "Ah, well. We're exploring! Let's just pick one and see where it leads."
"I miss Google Maps." Steph shrugged and picked left, because she remembered from one of her psych classes that people tended to turn right by default. A few minutes and several more opportunities to windowshop later, she had to admit they were probably no closer than they'd started out. But they had found a cool light shifting sculpture. Steph snuggled up to Vax's side and watched it. "Do you think it does something or is it just art?"
He was still getting used to the feeling of having Steph touch him in an open public place. He wouldn't have thought himself to be so demonstrative, so used to expecting to draw his daggers at any moment in unknown territory that a small piece of him was paranoid to let his guard down. There was a subtle anticipatory tension strung through his narrow frame - ages old and as broken in as a worn pair of boots, a friend almost. But he did rather like having her affection given so freely, the weight and shape of her close to his body.
"Your guess is as good as mine," he admitted. Vax similarly comforted himself by focusing on the weight and shape of his blades strapped close to his body, well hidden under his hooded sweatshirt. "Do you think it would be dangerous to touch? It would, wouldn't it, if it's electric?"
Stephanie never seemed to be paying attention to her surroundings, at least not for danger. She definitely noticed all kinds of things - pretty baubles and exciting details, but that weird cat guy lurking in the shadow? Nah. "Depends how the electricity is being used, I think. If that's just light, it's not dangerous. But if it's a live wire or something, that might be." She looked around. No barriers except a differently tiled line on the floor kept people away from it. "They'd have more of a fence if it was dangerous, right? So that no one accidentally wandered in?"
"...On second thought, no one put fences around those electrical outlets at the Inn, either," Vax suggested, staring down the cat guy from behind Stephanie's back. Probably it was just interested because they looked so unusual compared to the races living here, but Vax didn't much care to find out either way. He reached to touch the small of Steph's back as if to steer her along. "And those are plenty dangerous. Plugs in them only, that's what experience has taught me. Let's say this thing is pretty and see what else they've got further on."
"Yeah, but everyone knows those are...oh. I see your point." She let him guide them away, but looked up at him sidelong from under her lashes. "So...how did you learn that the outlets weren't for putting anything except plugs in?" They left the art piece and the shady cat guy behind and ventured down another arcade. It was a bit quieter here and the shops seemed to be mostly empty with just a few items out for sale. It said expensive to Steph's mind, the kind of shit that made you get buzzed in and Pretty Womaned out once they had a look at you.
"The hard way," Vax admitted. "And after I woke up and changed my trousers, I decided I was done touching them altogether."
The posh avenue was rather the opposite of the type of place Vax was intending to do their bartering, but he wasn't shy about walking up to the windows and staring in at the individual items on pedestals anyway. "You're not much for fancy jewelry, are you? I'm trying to figure out how you'd even wear this thing," he pointed at a grape-like cluster of large gemstones that each rotated mysteriously in place over the bust of a figure so lean of face that its features were almost entirely fused to the shape of its head. They'd seen a lot of them imperiously promenading about the station so far, whatever they were. "I don't see a clasp or chain or band."
"I can't afford fancy jewelry, and I don't have anywhere to wear it if I did. And, you know, it cramps the vigilante lifestyle." Steph smiled and leaned into look at the ...necklace? Tiara? Earrings? "Some kind of anti-gravity field, maybe. It's cool. Definitely rich people jewelry. You can't have a real job if you're wearing that."
Vax turned to admire her as she peered into the window, but didn't say anything. She hadn't exactly said that she didn't like fancy jewelry... But something like this definitely wasn't her style.
"Well once we've found where they hide the poor people jewelry, let me know if you see any beads on offer. They're on my list." Those seemed to suit the adventuring lifestyle just fine.
Poor people jewelry was exactly Steph's speed. Plated metal and glass, not carats and gems. If they found something like that, she might even buy some earrings. "All this stuff is cool to look at but you've got to have more money than sense." She turned her head up to him and flashed a grin. "What kind of beads do you want?
"Wood, if they've got them." Vax shifted his eyebrows at her conspiratorily. "Olden tymey poor people jewelry," he mock-whispered.
She giggled. "I'd have said plastic." She could make wooden beads. That was easy. Sandpaper, a little drill, some polish. It would be hard to find on this station, probably. She hadn't seen any plants here, but back at the inn, there was plenty of wood around. There were a bunch of wood tchotkes in the shop.
"Let's see if we can't loop back around to where it isn't so blindingly bourgeois," he headed for the end of the lane.
A suggestion that Steph was more than happy to follow. The street continued to be super snobby, but then they turned a corner and it was night and day. Color, interest, and the cluttered attention-grabbing displays that Steph associated with things she may one day afford reappeared, as did the people. Even better... "Hey, isn't that the street name where the medical services was supposed to be?" She grabbed Vax's hand to pull his attention to where she was looking.
The welcome sights and smells of shops rather than the museum-quality-chill of boutiques met them once they'd outrun the money, and Vax turned on his heel with a soft sound of surprise for the tug of Steph's hand. He made no effort to get it back though, falling into brisk step with her once she'd reoriented them. "Let's see... Pointy mountain squiggle, looping squiggle, curve, slanty-circle-thing... That's the one," he agreed brightly.
Steph chuckled and laced her fingers with his as they wandered in the appropriate direction. Again the brighter colors of the shops faded, replaced with utilitarian doors and one bright sign that she sort of hoped meant 'clinic' and not 'authorized personnel only'. She found that she was nervous, and tightened her grip on Vax's hand. Since she'd come back from Africa, she'd found that she had a little bit of White Coat Syndrome. Hard not to, when you knew that your doctor once let you die for another's sins. "It's weird that they didn't make us get vaccinations or something before coming aboard. You totally have to when you travel abroad back home." The babble fell from her lips before she could stop it.
At first, Vax mistook her grip on his hand for her earlier enthusiasm about birth control that didn't need plastic penis pockets. But the closer they got to the sign that they'd noted in the teevee tour of the place, the tighter it seemed to get. And a bit clammy, even. He slowed their steps, just slightly, and angled them for the side of the building rather than straight at the door, as if the growing number of people bustling through the streets was more difficult to navigate through. It wasn't, not for someone who'd learned to feel comfortable slipping in and around the busy energy of a city, which as far as he knew was both of them. "...Steph," he murmured, having begun to learn the difference between her happy babble and her anxious babble. "Are you alright with this? I mean, really alright?"
The last thing he wanted was for her to think she had to do this because of him.
Steph bit her lip and didn't quite meet his eyes. "It's not... It's. Doctors. I have this stupid reaction to doctors. I'm okay. It's dumb, because my mom's a nurse and I totally respect the medical profession but I get nervous in hospitals and things like that because...because. It's not the birth control. Birth control is awesome. It's just White Coat Syndrome. Which you haven't heard of. Um. Doctors in my world, they tend to wear white coats. So getting nervous around them is jokingly called White Coat Syndrome. I feel like I'm saying that a lot. White Coat Syndrome." She pulled in a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Her jaw took on a determined set. "I'm good. We're doing this. I've never listened to my brain before, I'm not starting now. Wait, that sounded wrong..."
"Made perfect sense to me," he muttered. Vax didn't know if it was because he was so used to getting healed when he went jenga and that he would've died dozens of times over if he tried to stop anyone healing him, or because doctors in Tal'Dorei weren't good for a lot of things compared to magic, but he'd never felt what she was feeling about getting patched back together. (Anxiety around the vividly remembered sensation of having half his foot melted off, or getting gutted by a demon wearing a dear friend's face, or being crushed by the insides of a dragon, sure...)
He let her crush his narrow hand as hard as she liked, bringing the other up to tuck her hair back behind her ear. "Is there anything I can do to make it easier, going in there?"
"You're here. That's good enough." She led this time, making their way to the medical services door and inside. Apparently waiting rooms were a universal constant, with chair-like devices in neat rows around the walls. Behind a desk, one of those flat faced aliens was tapping on a screen and ignoring them. Next to that person, a furred Gunnii waited expectantly.
No matter where you went, it seemed, there was bureaucracy to be found. Despite all the surfaces gleaming and a strange melodic buzzing that he supposed might be intended as calming music, it at once reminded Vax'ildan of trying to get an appointment with your local lord in Tal'Dorei to complain about a monster stealing your goats or a blight ruining your crops or somesuch. "Ah, hello," he piped up. Vax initially made the mistake of trying to talk to the one tapping the flat teevee, since maybe that one was higher ranking, but then pivoted to the furry thing when it actually bothered to look at him. "We're visiting, obviously, and wondering if your doctors would be able to treat humans - that's this beauty here," he picked up the hand he held with Steph to demonstrate who he meant by that. "Or really anyone that falls into the 'other races' category around here, which would include me also," he gestured at his own body. He wasn't entirely against the idea of getting birth control shots for himself, so that Steph wasn't always the one being responsible.
The creature behind the desk tilted their head all the way to one side then back again. They produced another of those ipad-ish things and set it on the counter. "Our honorable Ver can treat thousands of individuated species. I'm sure your human will be no challenge. Fill out the forms. What is your complaint?"
Steph smiled as Vax took the lead on explaining why they were here. It was sweet. "No complaints. Prevention."
"We'd like to make it so we can't have any unintended babies," Vax went on, looking the creature in the dark, shiny, pupil-less eyes. It wasn't really that odd, since he was well used to dealing with dragonborn and tieflings and other humanoids of a wider range than were commonly found at the Inn. "And she's willing, but I don't mind either. I'm male, if that makes a difference?" Vax picked up the strangely thin teevee panel they'd put out for them, but even where it was translated into Common, the wording of the language was bizarre. He passed it to Stephanie as readily as he would've handed it over to Vex or Percy. "Is this a contract?"
"Medical intake," Steph murmured as she scanned it. There were an awful lot of listed conditions that she'd never heard of.
The clerk brightened. "Oh yes, we can easily do that procedure. A quick bioscan, some analysis, and we'll tailor the vasectomy to your anatomy."
Steph burst out laughing.
Vax actually made a loud pained sound in reaction to the very idea. "OH - no, gods, no," he tried to correct, and hastily. He lifted both hands high and took two big steps back away from the counter, suddenly afraid of touching the teevee pane and hoping he hadn't condemned himself by touching it already. "I don't want that! It's just - birth control! That's what we're after. You take shots. Injections." He looked over at Steph in her fit of laughter, hoping she'd pull herself together enough to use her better understanding of the medicine and bail him out before anyone or anything tried to come after his balls.
It took a moment for her to pull herself together, especially when Vax reacted like a cat tossed in a lake. "Hormone adjustments," she gasped finally. "Temporary contraceptives, not permanent ones." The doctor person was looking at both of them like they were bugs, which just made her dissolve into giggles again. "Is that something you can do?"
The Gunnii maintained a professional expression. "That will be up to the honorable Ver." They held out their hand, clearly wanting the iPad back. Steph relinquished it. She'd barely gotten through any of the questions.
The wet lake-cat in question assured himself that he and his balls were safe - they couldn't do anything without their contract signed, and he hadn't signed it, right? And after he'd had a nice deep breath to steady himself, Vax tried to summon up some small part of charm that reflected his sister's before making his lips into what approximated a friendly smile and stepping back up to the counter, resting his hands on the smooth surface. This time, however, he was turned towards Flat-face, who seemed to be the one that needed convincing. "If you'd be so kind-"
Before he could so much as test his charm, Flat-face was picking up some kind of stylus. "I am extracting your sample now, creature," it snapped at the obnoxiously mobile one in a pinched tone. Its arm flashed out, purposefully not touching the vile thing, but letting the beam of the phase-extractor snatch the necessary amount of epidermis to cycle through their DNA analysis interface. "Be still."
No part of Vax wanted to fucking be still as blue light came out of the doctor's tool to take a pin-sized chunk out of his skin, even before he could back himself away from the beam. It wasn't that it hurt - only a pinch, really - but it was so unexpected that Vax's hand reflexively grasped for one of his blades before he could remind himself that pulling a weapon on the doctor was probably going to end up badly for them. "That's not much of a warning," he stopped his hand, setting his teeth to content himself with a glare at Flat-face.
"Whoa!" Steph held herself very still and did not punch the doctor. "Damn it, bro, you need permission for that kind of thing where I'm from." She jerked her head at the tablet. "He hasn't read that, let alone signed it."
The Gunnii went very still and the doctor turned slowly to look at Stephanie. "You're speaking to me, creature?"
"Yeah, you're the moron opening yourself up to an assault charge," she snapped back.
The tablet beeped. The doctor looked down at it and made a disgusted noise. It spoke to the Gunnii and resumed ignoring the ostensible patients. "No matches. Call station security and have the creature removed."
Security was coming, to 'remove the creature.' Vax didn't know if that meant him or Stephanie, but he didn't want either of them to get taken in. "Let's go. They're not going to help us here," he turned, an urgent note in the words as he grabbed for Steph's hand in the opposite of how they'd come in. He had no idea what they'd be up against - Guards? Weapons? Dogs? Arrest? Would they ever get out of a 'space jail?' What would happen if they were on this side of the portal when it closed? He'd rather not find out any of it.
The clerk looked up with a smile for Vax. "You can go, sir but the human has to stay. Station security will be here directly. Please don't make this unpleasant."
Steph pulled Vax to a halt, shaking her head. "Vax, it's fine. I want to talk to them about how that jerk-ass doctor assaulted you."
He frowned at her softly where she'd stopped him. "I don't know anything about how this place works," he admitted. "But I don't think they would be calling the guards if they thought they could be found at fault. What do they even need them for? It's not like you've done anything!" All he could come up with was 'disturbing the peace,' but even that was a long fucking stretch. Of course, Steph didn't know any better than he did.
Vax looked back at the long-nosed long-eared one, since Flat-face was clearly a dick. "Why is security coming? We don't like being manhandled, but it's not as if we've started a fight. You want us to go, we can go freely."
The Gunnii looked regretful. "Your human insulted honorable Ver."
Steph had said worse to people who hadn't assaulted her boyfriend, so that didn't make a lot of sense to her, but she could tell that the little alien guy thought it was serious. She sighed. "Fine, whatever. I'm sorry I insulted you, Doctor. We'll go." She turned to Vax. "Let's go find beads."
"Hardly," Vax insisted back at the clerk, thinking of all the things they could have said to Flat-face and how. But would they really be able to just walk out of there? The furry fellow had just said Steph couldn't leave... Now that she was on board with Plan GTFO, maybe they still had time to scram before security got there.
"There you have it, an apology and everything. 'My human' and I will be going," he made quickly for the door.
They made it outside and halfway down the corridor before two aliens who screamed cop with their every movement blocked their progress. Steph caught Vax's arm and pulled him to a halt. "Well, fuck."
His arm 'casually' crossed his front as Vax pushed ahead of Steph to block their access to her with his body. His hand strayed closer to where he'd need to draw his blades from under the loose-fitting sweatshirt. He didn't want to try his luck with a fight, not especially. But they might run out of options in all of two seconds. "Finally, station security! We were just rudely accosted in the medical office. Awful service, the worst, and they've injured me - we're very upset about it. We want to put in a complaint with you," he got it all out quickly.
"You may file all complaints with your relevant representative." The security officer - one of the cat people - sounded bored as he answered. "You there, come with us."
Steph put her hand on Vax's. Mouthing off to a doctor was one thing, but cops were another. She wasn't going to get into a fight with people who were armed and had the law behind them. At least not out of uniform. Which reminded her... "This is all a misunderstanding. I apologized for being rude. We just want to go on our way." She slipped her backpack off her shoulder and held it loosely in one hand.
Vax grudgingly lowered his hands to his sides at her touch. He thought it was a mistake to let her go with them. He'd feel differently if this was Tal'Dorei, where he'd just get Scanlan or Percy maybe to waltz on into the office of the jail and make it go away as easily as it'd happened with some fancy words and a bit of coin. Or even if it was Steph's Gotham, where she knew what she'd be in for. This place... They had no clue what to expect. They could kill everyone who got arrested here, for all they knew. "We're visitors here for the first time, we don't know anything."
He found that Steph's bag was brushing the back of his hand. Vax understood, taking the strap into his own hand, what the handoff meant better than anything she'd said to him out loud. She meant to let them take her, in spite of how stupid it all was.
She felt him take the weight of her bag and knew their thoughts were running along the same lines. "Go get...help. From the inn. Someone there has to have a law degree or something. I'll be okay." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Come rescue me soon." Then she stepped around him, hands out to her sides.
"That doctor in there really did just stab my boyfriend without his consent. So you'd better look into that," she announced to the security team as she approached them.
The guards could both be dead in a matter of seconds, he reminded himself. And then they could run back to the Inn and everything would be boring and funny as usual.
But Vax knew even as he thought it that it was no good. There were a half-dozen reasons why that was a terrible, awful, fuck-you-up shit idea, and the only good reason was because he was scared he might lose Steph somehow. It was a very compelling reason, but still only the one.
"Okay," Vax answered back. "I will. As soon as I can, I will." He'd even try to do it the way Steph wanted, first.
Part 2: Fetching aid - Scanlan's arrival
Part 3: Attorneys at Tol and Smol
"Remember," Sam said as they approached the room they'd been told to meet the Verinean magistrate and Steph in. "To them, we're sentient cockroaches. Don't make eye contact, don't refer to the magistrate as anything other than 'Ver' and whatever you do, don't touch any Verineans."
The door slid open in front of them, revealing a room that looked like it had been stolen off the set of Law & Order. Other than the pale-ass Verinean who looked more like a victim on a morgue slab than a judge, the entire set up, including Steph being handcuffed to a table was 20th century Americana by design.
It made no sense, because how would they know, and why would they choose that instead of whatever Vax and Scanlan were used to? Or maybe they all saw what they expected to see--there were monsters that could do that. But if they had the ability to project psychically, this could go really bad, really fast.
The whole experience had been surreal, down to the orange jumpsuit they'd given her. She didn't even know why she was in this room. No one had told her anything, just given orders - wear this, eat this, sleep now, come with us. She'd done two of the four. She didn't trust the food or her cellmate and had started to regret telling Vax to stand down almost immediately. The door swished open and admitted Vax and with him Sam and a short man Steph had never met but was worried she recognized anyway. She said nothing, but raised her eyebrows at Vax questioningly.
Vax knew he wasn't supposed to talk or shove about. He knew that his job was just to get everybody into the same room and insist Steph was being unfairly judged and that, yes, that doctor had fucking well jumped him only when he was called upon.
But also... If anybody so much as twitched funny, he was drawing his blades. He'd come dressed in his cloak and armor this time, and either they hadn't noticed his weapons tucked close to his person under the fall of black feathers, or maybe they were considered too primitive, or a half-human too inept to do much damage with them.
Whatever the case, it was equal parts relief and anxiety when he saw Stephanie looked tired, but not as if they'd roughed her up. Scanlan, his lips moved silently for Steph's benefit, pointing his eyes over at the gnome.
Scanlan's preparation before they came was to grab a bunch of paper from the back of the Inn desk. He still looked like he'd been through a battle, which he had, but he planned to use that to his benefit if he needed too.
When they entered the room and saw Vax's girlfriend who, he had to give Vax credit, was pretty good looking, he started to speak immediately. "I'm Burt Reynolds and this is my associate, Jack Horner. We're here to get our client out of prison from being unlawfully detained and harassed." He flopped the big stack of papers which all had minor illusion cast upon them to look like there was legal writing on it. All really small and filled up the whole space with various fees and lines for signatures.
Jack Horner? Boogie Nights seriously? God. He was as bad as Dean. And how did he even know those names when he hadn't been in the Inn ten minutes before they left for the Station? Sam converted an eye roll to an imposing look and a nod, but his gaze stayed just below the line of the ghoulish Verinean's. Which was easy to do, since the guy (woman? were they even gendered?)--the Verinean--didn't lower its gaze even a fraction to see what Scanlan--Burt--had set on the table.
"Creature is lawfully detained under section 4A-subsection 52B12 of the Interspecies Compact, Asphodel Station, 47th and current edition. Creature will serve sentence and be released in 10.372 days," the Verinean said.
This time Sam didn't wait for "Burt" to speak up. "Under subsection 93C4A of the same section, any creature convicted under this section may describe mitigating circumstances of their offense. Based on subsection 93C4A, we respectfully request from Ver a detailed statement of the events giving rise to the charge."
"Request denied. Creature may speak to other creatures of the events surrounding creature's arrest." The Verinean picked up a computer pad and began reading as though they weren't even there.
Steph leaned toward her...attorneys? and whispered, "What does that mean?"
"I've got no fucking clue," Vax admitted freely with a matched whisper as they approached. "But Mr. Horner here studied law before the Inn. And Mr. Reynolds-" He looked back (down) at Scanlan with a gesture of his hand. "He has good timing, for one. He's unconventional, maybe, but things usually work out in his favor. And this won't be the first time he's got us and ours out from behind bars."
"Creature is actually Lady Stephanie of the planet 3rd Rock from the Sun, heir to the Galactic Empire and the fortunes of the Vulcan Mines. This is her manservant, Starbuck," Scanlan gestured to Vax. "Who is property of Lady Stephanie and so, Ipso facto, when the manservant was attack, her property was being attack and in accordance to the intergalactic treaty 42, Section 21x2, she was in her rights to defend her property from said attack. In regards to the a priori and the a posteriori, if you wish to avoid any further persecution from the Federation of Planets, I suggest you let Steph here go and we can pretend the whole thing never happened." Scanlan started to move the papers. "If not, we'll be filing an injunction. an appeal, a lunch order, an OSC, an OCC, A cross motion, twelve objections, and a late fee charge."
That...was an impressive line of bullshit. Impressive enough that Sam didn't even laugh at lunch order and late fee charge. He just loomed as impressively as he could.
The Verinean replied, "Third Rock from the Sun is a dead planet. Galactic Empire and Federation of Planets are non-existent entities. There is no intergalactic treaty, and this man who is not her manservant was not under attack," and then it went back to scanning its pad.
Since it had given them permission to talk to Steph, and it didn't seem like the Verinean was impressed by their arguments, Sam walked over to talk to her. "What actually happened, Steph?"
Steph drew in a long, slow breath. "Vax and I were at the medical clinic for a simple question about routine birth control. We were still trying to explain that when the doctor stabbed Vax with some kind of tool. I...lost my temper a little bit and said some things that were kind of rude--"
Here the Verinean broke in. "For the official record, creature has again used insult 'doctor' against Ver."
Steph threw her hands up in the air, or rather tried to before being halted by the cuffs keeping her chained to the table. "It's not an insult, it's a job description!"
These aliens were worse than Elves and that was saying something.
Scanlan looked at Sam, but his voice was loud enough to reach the Ver. "I thought the Ver were smart enough to handle dumb humans." He shrugged. "I mean, they're very smart and humans are very dumb. No offense. But I guess it's hard when you're so smart to realize someone is so dumb they need a lesson rather than punishment. I knew a Ver once who made people write an essay about whatever needed learning. That Ver was a good Ver indeed."
Nice tactic. Sam nodded and added, "I heard that same Verinean made an offender write 'I am a creature, Ver is Ver,' one hundred times on a blackboard. And then a hundred more times to make sure it sank in. Maybe Steph should do that to show her penitence." He made a face at Steph and willed her not to say anything that was going to get her in more trouble.
Once again, the Verinean paid them no attention. It didn't seem to care what they did or said. After a few quiet moments, the Verinean announced, "There is no mitigation for creature's offenses. Creature will serve its full sentence and other creatures will be pleased not to be serving time with creature."
Steph groaned and dropped her face in her hands. "You guys, it's fine. 10 days isn't that long. 240 hours. Just get me credited for time served or something."
It was super weird that the same beings that had Steph jailed and claimed to be the law in this place hardly seemed to give two shits what their group was doing in the room and barely what they were saying. Vax moved to where he could wrap an arm around Steph's shoulders at her table, waiting to be stopped but not finding any resistance once he was there. He glanced back at Scanlan and Sam, more concerned than Steph in that regard. "We don't know for sure when the door on our side will close," he muttered urgently. "How can any of us know she'll be safe to come back with us if that happens and she's still locked away in here?"
This was getting annoying. The Ver made Vax's dad look like a lovable guy.
Scanlan sighed. "Alright alright.." It definitely helped that the Ver did not seem to be paying attention to them and especially him. He lifted up his handcone. "Let's just pretend this never happened and let Stephanie go free without any criminal record."
And he cast suggestion on the Ver.
At first, the suggestion seemed to anger the Verinean. It raised a pale brow to scowl and began to speak (to tell the small creature not to try any tricks on it), but a look of confusion spread over its features. "I suppose that might be possible," it said slowly.
Sam also lifted a brow, but he was just surprised and a little concerned that the Verinean might not stay convinced. "Sure, we would be happy to do that," Sam said, trying to reinforce whatever Scanlan had done by making it seem like the Verinean's suggestion. "We'll just take St--the creature and stop wasting this Ver's time."
"Yes, that would be best," the Verinean agreed.
That's why Burt Reynolds is the best. Already at Stephanie's side and not seeing any aliens coming forward fast enough for his liking to let the prisoner loose, Vax suddenly had a lockpick at hand from where it had been hidden on his person. He wasted no time jimmying the easy-peasy lock on her manacles as if he was simply helping to do what the, ah, Ver wanted. "Quickly," he urged under his breath, helping Steph to her feet.
Stephanie wasn't sure what had just happened, but she wasn't going to question it. All she wanted in life was to get out of here, get a shower and stuff her face with something that wasn't... whatever that stuff had been. "Thank you, Ver," she said in her best humble voice, then grabbed Vax's hand for safety and let him haul her toward the door, followed presumably by her...lawyers? Sure, go with that term.
He had never cast a spell on an alien before (he didn't even know the term until half and hour ago) so Scanlan was all for getting out as quickly as possible. He was right behind Stephanie, trying to look casual while also being in haste.
Sam knew better than to dilly dally when something unexpected turned in their favor and he followed them out into the hall. They had gotten only a few steps out into the hall when he heard more footsteps approaching. Don't look back.
"Stop. This is unauthorized prisoner transport."
Sam turned back. "Excuse us, Ver. That Ver agreed we could leave," he said calmly.
More Verineans approached the front of the group, blocking the hallway.
Shifting his body to make sure the various Vers would have to pass through him before getting at Steph where she held his one hand, his other hand flexed in anticipation of drawing a blade. But Vax didn't forget that that whole point of this had been Steph wanting to abide their rules and keep the peace. He waited. "Could you do that again maybe," he muttered at Scanlan.
Steph clutched Vax's hand harder, feeling the tension in his body. Their group was outnumbered. She was unarmed and unarmored, which was more of a wrinkle than a problem if they had to fight. But there was still an entire station to get through, an endless elevator ride from hell that left them sitting ducks, and the inevitable result of being a wanted criminal like her father. Even though they'd never see this place again once the door closed, that felt skin-crawlingly awful. She did not want this to turn into a fight. "This creature is sure that Ver in the room is already updating your system. Maybe Vers can check?"
"Not to this many right now." He was almost tapped out, having come from a battle with a god.
Not that he was any good with it, his hand was ready to pull out Mythcarver if he needed to. "Any ideas big man?" he whispered to Sam.
"Not unless you can stall them while I draw a sigil in blood..." Sam muttered, but actually Steph had the right idea and Sam spoke up. "These creatures were told they had wasted too much of Ver's time and they should leave now. These creatures do not wish to cause Vers any more trouble. The--"
Before Sam could get another sentence out, a computerized voice sounded from a speaker somewhere in the corridor. "According to VerJusticial Calculatorix 75.6AT4, time served plus externalities and proper procedure benefits compute to 12.137592 days. Creatures are free to go."
This whole place was fucking topsy-turvy, and if not for how strangely the order was worded, Vax might've thought it was Scanlan throwing his voice or something. But the Verineans seemed to think this strange voice from the sky was entirely normal, so far as he could tell. "...We all heard that," he tried to seize on the hopeful sound of it before Steph's freedom could slip through their fingers again. "The part where 'the creatures are free to go.'"
She had definitely not been here for 12 days, but she was not about to complain. The PA system said she could go, she was going. "We'll come back for my stuff," she muttered quietly, and with Vax in tow, strode forward through the line of Ver guards, which scattered like she was a leper. If luck held, they'd make it to the endless elevator before someone shouted 'halt!'
Scanlan was keeping his fingers crossed that his spell held out until they were completely gone. The gnome followed the others quickly, not wanting to be left behind, especially if the Ver he charmed figured out what happened. He had to give it to Vax, though. He did make his welcome to this new place interesting.
Sam let the others go ahead of him, in part because the gnome was smaller and he didn't want Scanlan being left behind, but in part because he was confident 'proper procedure benefits' meant while they'd skirted the edge, they hadn't crossed any lines (except maybe that spell-thing Scanlan had cast) and fleeing always looked guilty. So the others were a good ninety feet from the "VerJusticial Center" or whatever it was called when Sam felt something poke at his ankle. He looked down and discovered a small (somehow jaunty) little Roomba-looking creature holding out a bag of Steph's belongings.
His mouth twitched with a very small smile, and as he took the bag, he murmured, "Thanks, R2."