strangetrip | [EP] The eye of the storm

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[EP] The eye of the storm

Anybody coming to find out what all the noise in the lobby had been about would find a girl sitting on the floor with a cat in her lap, bloodied hands stroking over its black fur.

When Yasmeen had gone away, when Sansa had gone away, Snow had managed to get herself out and away from the inn where she could let her noise out without fearing any person, or more importantly, the horses. And both those times, Kash had found her and helped her scrape herself back together. She had come so much to rely on him being there, that at first she hadn't believed it. She'd gone searching, like a child trying to grasp the meaning of dead. She'd wandered all over the grounds, gone to his room, gone to the stables, gone to the clinic, walked miles of paths. It was only then that she'd given up and asked Darryl.

Then she lost her shit.

She howled, threw anything small and breakable that she could lay her hands on, and punched the walls until her knuckles were raw and bleeding.

What was she going to do without him? Kash had always been there for her when she didn't think she could talk to anybody else. He had saved Juno. Who would help her now when any of the animals were injured or sick? Who would hear what she was saying, even when she couldn't say it? He was her friend. Perhaps the best friend she'd ever had.

This was what happened when you trusted people. They just left. They just fucking left.

And she probably would have screamed herself hoarse if it weren't for the feeling of a furry little body slinking around one of her ankles. Of course she wouldn't have been the only one left behind (which was a cruel and unfair thing to think, she was not the only person who loved Kash. She just didn't care right now). She crumpled to her knees and Socks climbed into her lap. After a long moment she began to pet him, no longer the little kitten she'd held out to Kash last Christmas. There was no peace in the silence, but she could not continue to rage with Socks holding her down. The moment he left that place, it would all rise up again. So for now, she sat there in the mess she'd made, staring at nothing, her blood running into his fur.

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Snow hadn't realized how much she'd longed for Trinket until he was there, and her first movement was to lift her hand from the cat's back to stroke his head.

What if he were next? And Vex. Vax. Jag. Rocket. Dyson.

Mama.

The scream started to build up in her chest again, and she didn't think she could hold it in. She screwed her eyes shut.

Trinket's head pressed up against her hand. He didn't need words to show he was right here and not going anywhere. Snow was sad, and Vex was too, and Trinket would take care of them.

Vex could remember coming on Snow out in the desert after the quiet redhead and the brazen pirate captain 'checked out', and she felt like she could still hear her friend's screams. She knew she could see it building now.

"Scream if you want. Let it all out." From the state of the lobby and of Snow's hands, she'd already been doing that, but sometimes it felt like a void that would never end. "If anybody has a problem with it, they'll have me and Trinket to answer to." Moving slowly, carefully, she reached up to stroke a hand over Snow's hair, ready to stop at any sign it was unwanted. While touch and affection were natural and necessary for Vex, Snow so often shied away from it. From everyone except sometimes Kash, and fuck this place all over again for taking him and Zahra away.

The fear, when she hadn't known if Vax or Percy had been taken as well, was still close even though she knew they were still safe here with her. And while Vex tried not to think of it too much, she couldn't deny that focusing on Snow and her pain was keeping Vex from losing it herself.

Were this her own bear, Snow would not have been able to do it, no matter what. Poor Florimond would have been frightened, and that would cut her deeper still. But Trinket was not so old, and was made of stronger stuff besides.

The scream tore out of her. At least it felt like that was what her body was doing. It was trying to tear itself open so she could empty all of the noise out, but her body would not oblige her. Her face went red and her lungs emptied of air, and still there was just more scream inside.

The tears that came were those of frustration and rage. Why would it not ease? Why would it not stop hurting so much?

Trinket was a very smart bear – Vex always said so – and a very brave one. He'd gone into battle many many many times. Even against dragons. But when Snow screamed and screamed, he didn't know what to do. There wasn't anything to fight. So he stayed close, where she could feel him, and bared his teeth at anybody who came into the lobby to see what the noise was about.

Vex stayed still as well, unflinching, with the hand on Snow's hair a gentle reminder that Snow wasn't alone, and inside Vex's heart breaking. She only began to move again when the scream died down to nothing, and then only to run her hand slowly down Snow's hair. If it had been Vax. Or Percy. Vex couldn't let herself think about that. Snow needed her, and her husband and brother were still here.

Trinket shifted closer when Snow stopped her screaming, resting his head on her shoulder and brushing his nose against her cheek. He could smell the tears, bitter and salt, and he snuffled as they continued to fall.

Between the cat in her lap and the bear by her side and the hand on her hair and her body's own inability to keep up with her inner turmoil, Snow found a kind of composure again.

She was silent for a long time but for gasps and gulps for air, sniffling and squeaking as she tried to remember how to breathe.

But when she found a word, it was almost a sob all over again. "Whyyyyy?"

"I wish I knew." First Pike and Scanlan. Now Kash and Zahra. Vox Machina had been among the most fortunate, having so many of their friends and family here. But now, they'd lost half their circle.

Continuing the slow, steady strokes of her hand, Vex tucked herself closer to Snow, shifting to find a comfortable position – something that was becoming more a challenge every day – that would allow Snow to curl up if she wanted.

"It isn't fair. Not even a chance to say goodbye..." Not that it would've helped. Gone was gone, and what the fuck were they going to do now? "Just a big, empty ache and no way to fill it." The words were almost a whisper, an admission only for Snow's ears.

Snow curled closer in answer, putting her head on Vex's shoulder and tucking her hands safely between her legs so she wouldn't touch Vex's belly even by accident. She didn't quite know how she'd figured it out, but over the weeks she'd gathered that Vex didn't like that. "'M sorry," she murmured.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, darling. It's all right to be angry and hurt." Vex was sure of that. Snow didn't send Kash and Zahra away. And when your heart was breaking, you should be allowed to break.

But speaking of hurt... "Will you let me take care of your hands, though?" Kash wouldn't want her to sit there bleeding and in pain – Vex didn't either – but it felt manipulative to invoke Kash like that right now. Yes, Vex could be a manipulative bitch when the situation called for it, but this wasn't that, and she wouldn't do that to Snow of all people.

Shy and awkward with her hands, but knowing Socks would probably like some more space back, Snow carefully, timidly lifted them. Almost as much as not touching someone in ways they didn't want, it felt important to keep her blood away from the baby. Not right somehow.

Much as Snow had noticed Vex was protective of her belly, guarding against people touching it without permission – and really, what was it about pregnancy that made people think they could be all gropy all the sudden? – Vex knew Snow was often not comfortable around magic. She wasn't entirely sure why, especially when Regina was obviously a powerful magic user of some kind, but she didn't have to understand the roots to accept the outcome.

She took Snow's hands gently to get a look at them. It wasn't as bad as it could be. Nothing seemed broken, and she wasn't going to bleed out from the damage. But it would hurt, and could get blood everywhere. And then there was the risk of infection. So she needed, and wanted, to do something. But, Snow's hands, Snow's choice.

"I could leave Trinket here with you while I run upstairs, get bandages and things from the clinic. Or I could cure them. I know I'm not half the cleric Kash is, but a simple cure wounds I can do." And could, even before she found a path with Pelor. Never as much as Pike or Keyleth, but enough to keep members of Vox Machina on their feet when they needed just a little more.

Snow thought about that, considering her hands in silence for a long moment. She didn't like magic, it was true. But she also somewhere between didn't want Vex to go and didn't want to make Vex get back up. She offered them out. "S'okay," she murmured.

Vex grasped her holy symbol – Pelor's sun, hand-stitched, by her, and backed with leather – in one hand and lightly held Snow's hands on the other. The quiet words came easily to her lips and a warm glow of healing energy flowed from her to Snow, healing the physical hurts that followed Kash being taken from them, leaving her hands bloodied, but no longer bleeding and bruised. "There we go."

The real hurts ran far deeper, and weren't anything that could be healed with a simple spell. All Vex could offer was herself, and time. The spell done, she ran a hand over Snow's hair again, wishing there was more she could do.

Snow awkwardly mumbled thanks and returned her hands to her lap. Socks seemed to approve of this new unbloodied state, because rather than attempt to squirm away when her hands were tucked back into that awkward position for him, he remained where he was. Snow gave him a quick skritch behind one ear.

Vex felt a little better, knowing Snow's hands were healed. Enough she could sit there, quiet, arm around Snow tucked against her side, softly stroking her hair, for as long as Snow needed.

Well, for awhile anyway.

This was ridiculous. Out hunting, she'd been known to sit for hours, unmoving, waiting for her prey. On ground less comfortable than a loudly floral, plush carpet. By comparison, they hadn't been here that long at all, but she could feel the ache starting to form in her hips, and how her back was tightening up. Not to mention the need to pee trying to become insistent with the baby practicing acrobatics on her bladder. She shifted slowly, trying discreetly to ease her body's various complaints.

"You need to move," Snow mumbled after a moment of silence, feeling Vex trying not to squirm.

She hadn't meant Snow to notice, but of course Snow would pick up something like that. The best way to stay safe was to be aware of everything going on around you. Vex could be the same way.

"No... well, sort of. Just trying to find a comfortable position. Nothing seems to work for very long these days." And it was only going to get worse as she got bigger and bigger. At least that was the way it seemed for Zahra. Who wasn't here any more. To commiserate with Vex and give the benefit of her experiences, along with her friendship. "But I'm fine, darling. Really."

Snow knew even before she asked this question that it was rude, but she wasn't very good at putting a mask over actual thoughts, feelings, fears, or wonderings. And thus far, Vex had taken that in stride. So. "Is it worth it?"

The baby. Staying on the floor. Both. Whichever.

Vex could've asked what Snow was asking about. The baby? Staying here with her? The heartache of friends taken from you? But it didn't matter, her answer was the same.

"It's worth it. Even when it hurts. Even when it feels like nothing will ever be normal again, it's worth it."

She paused, making up her mind. "Have I ever told you the story of how I got my bow?"

Not seeing where this could be going, Snow only shook her head. But between her need for some sort of distraction and her natural love of stories, she could not help her curiosity.

"You know about the dragons. How they joined together, destroyed cities, and tried to take over our world. We – Vox Machina, I mean – couldn't beat them as we were. But we found out about these powerful items, vestiges of the last great war, and how, if we could find them, they could help us in the fight."

It all seemed so long ago now, that whirlwind of fights and quests. Less than two months from the fall of Emon to Raishan's defeat, and now they'd been here over a year.

"Vax's armor was the first we found. And when we proved ourselves to an androsphinx, he not only gave Scanlan his sword, he told us where we might find several others. Including Fenthras, Wrath of the Fey Warden. We had to travel to the Feywild, which is a strange place at the best of times. Time doesn't work the same way there: it's always twilght, and you could spend days there, only to get back to the material plane and find out no time had passed, or years had. There's even a pretty good chance, when you leave, you'll forget everything that happened while you were there. That happened to Percy, when we went for Fenthras, and to Grog too. But we went, because we needed all the help we could get against the dragons, and an incredibly powerful bow... I had to."

Snow allowed the story to pull her in, retreating from her current pain into these events from the past that had nothing to do with her. That was the best part of stories, in her experience. They took you away. "What happened?"

"The bow was owned by Saundor, a very powerful, very old archfey. He'd been betrayed by the woman he loved. Centuries ago, millennia even. So long ago he couldn't remember anything about her but the betrayal. And it had turned him rotten inside. Literally. He lived in the heart of a tree, and he was so twisted and rotten inside that that this vicious, viscous sludge poured out from the tree, poisoning the land all around. It was horrible. Stuck to everything. And smelled disgusting."

That wasn't the worst thing, though. Nor the hardest part of the story to tell. Vex had to steady herself, taking a deep breath, holding it as long as she could, then letting it out slowly.

"He said I was like him. That I was the only one who'd understand. That he'd give me the bow, give me the way to help my friends kill the dragons, and then I would be his. Forever. Because we were the same, broken and twisted and not letting other people see us for who we were.

"He was wrong, and we killed his ancient, viney ass. But you see, he'd forgotten what Fenthras really meant. It's an Elvish name, and I mostly don't give a shit about elves or what they care, but this was important. Its name comes from two words; it means 'protection' and 'growth'. That's its purpose. But a few thousand years on his own, and Saundor wasn't anything but his own poison and pain."

Snow let those words settle on her, let them melt on her skin and sink in slowly.

She thought of Mrs. H, and the young Mrs. H in the mirror who had been punished by her own mother or stepmother or who-the-fuck-ever. The further away Snow got from that house, the more she understood that this was where it had all come from. The hitting, the starvation, the slights, the endless cleaning, the milk baths. It had never had anything to do with Snow's Indian blood. She would have done that to any stepdaughter. The brown was just an excuse.

Poison and pain.

Slowly, Snow nodded her understanding.

"I don't want to think about what I would've become if I'd taken his offer. I wouldn't have been me any more. But facing him, seeing how he festered, it really showed me... We're going to hurt sometimes, that's part of life. But hurting for the ones we love, hurting because we let ourselves love... letting ourselves care, that's what keeps us from turning into a creature like Saundor." And Vex could have. If she hadn't had Vax. If she hadn't realized that her heart had given itself away before she noticed. If she hadn't learned to look beyond herself, to see the broken spaces in Snow and Kash and Zahra that mirrored her own and wanted to fill them.

"And if I wind up achy and crampy from sitting too long, I'll let Percy draw me a bath and give me a massage later," she added more lightly. Thinking about Saundor always dragged the mood way down, and today already sucked enough balls.

Snow nodded, worrying her lower lip with her teeth. Then she ventured, "Just a few more minutes?"

Re: Vex & Snow

st_ubby - 2018-11-17 20:30 (UTC) - Expand

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