strangetrip | [GP] All we can do is learn to swim

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[GP] All we can do is learn to swim

Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. - Vicki Harrison

"You're sure?" Regina already knew the answer but demanding that Sam tell her what she already knew satisfied something petty in her. Or maybe just something hurt that hoped he'd have a different answer than her locator spell had already provided.

"Yeah." Sam half-rolled his eyes at her as he leaned across the pink bar counter to grab bottles of beer from the Silver Bar ice bin -- probably the results of Rebekah's last work-effort at the Inn -- for himself and his newly arrived companion.

Briefly, Regina considered burning a hole in the seat of his jeans, but it wouldn't bring Rebekah or any of the absent ones back. Instead, she took refuge in straightening her A-line and walking around the stylish counter Sam lay across like he was surfing the waves of grief. She took down a bottle of pointlessly pricey champagne, and then found the precise cut-crystal glasses Rebekah and Miss Fisher had preferred for their afternoon indulgences. She poured herself a glass and one for the person who dared her openly bitter expression.

"So who all are we missing?" they both said at once, glared at each other and sighed. They both knew the answers, in their own way and for their own reasons. And neither of them wanted to say.

Rebekah Mikaelson. Henry Winchester. Jack Robinson. Phryne Fisher. Dorothy Williams. Angua von Uberwald. Jaime Vegas. Harry Dresden. Lydia Martin. Raleigh Becket. Yasmeen. Joanna Beauchamp. Constance Bonacieux D'Artagnan. Lindsey McDonald.

"Grief is like the ocean," Sam clearly quoted from some fucking where, and Regina tuned him out until he added, "All we can do is learn to swim. Rebekah told me that."

Now Regina rolled her eyes; they weren't friends. "Shut up, Sam."

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It was an automatic response to say no but Molly stopped herself before saying it. She had people here that she could talk to about Harry and would get it, Butters and Carlos definitely. Regina would, too but in a different way. Kash wouldn't understand at all but it was a window into Molly's life and the bond that she had with Harry. And that right there, that thought was suddenly important that he see that glimpse of that part of her life.

"Yeah, I would. It's both a who and a what." Molly admitted as she looked at the destruction around her. It was still satisfying and she didn't regret it one little bit. "The what is Fate - the bitch always kicks me in the teeth. The who is Harry. He's my mentor, teacher and best friend." Well Molly considered him a best friend, even though she knew that Harry didn't. That was her father and Karrin.

"When I left my world, he was dead." A death that she helped with and it seemed like both it hadn't taken - which was a good thing. And that it had been for nothing since he'd still become the Winter Knight. "It was great to see him again." She turned to look at Kash without maintaining eye contact for the soulgaze, "Saying it outloud makes me sound like a whiny kid, but it hurts to lose him again."

While she spoke, Kash moved closer, put himself where it was more of a conversation than an interrogation. He stopped when he was a little closer than arm's reach and watched her expressions shift and the way she didn't meet his gaze. Strangely, he didn't think she was lying, which he ordinarily would if someone avoided eye contact.

What he saw and heard, instead, was that she hurt and she felt deeply. It earned his respect and thawed some of his usual reserve. "No it doesn't," he said when she'd finished, voice whiskey-rich and a little gruff. "It makes you sound like someone who lost someone who matters to them. And it's worse, because for a few minutes, it probably felt like he was unkillable. You'd have to be a cold-hearted bitch not to hurt from that."

"I should be happy that he left with the person that means the most to him." Molly confessed, "and I am - well I will be. Our lives are filled with Fate stepping in and kicking us in the ass. I knew that it was too good to be true, but I didn't let myself think about it. How many people wish that they could get even one extra minute with someone that died? And I got so much more than that. But it still hurts and it pisses me the hell off."

She laughed dryly. "Obviously from the ruined ground and stone." This time the amusement was genuine as she continued. "Thanks for that by the way. Letting me explode your creation. It did help a lot."

For a few beats, Kash felt that same paralysis he had earlier in the day when he'd talked to Vex. He didn't know what to say or how to help, because this wasn't something he could sink magic into and fix, and there was no one for him to stab. And Fate kicking people in the ass, even if it wasn't Fate was sort of his and Vox Machina's stock-in-trade. Plus Harry was a lucky sonuvabitch and that made him miss Zahra with every fiber of his being again.

He swallowed and forced himself to take a breath. "It was the only thing I could think of." Because honest was about all he had at the moment. "Burn yourself, and I can fix it in a heartbeat. But I can't do shit about this."

That response was so Harry that Molly felt a twist in her heart but she pushed it away, burying it with the other emotions already buried.

"I learned my lesson of quick fixes." Molly said with a wry expression and offered truth for truth. "Despite the spells you saw earlier, my specialty is mind magic. I can walk through people's minds and help them heal or change habits to help." She was quiet for a couple of heartbeats before continuing. "My friend Rosie, lost a baby because of drugs and I thought I was helping when she was pregnant again by making her have a fear response when she would want it so that she'd have a healthy baby. All I did was hurt her in a different way."

She glanced over at him, "sometimes you have to let people hurt to help them the most. That's a lesson I'm still working on." Molly's lips quirked, "I'm a little stubborn."

"Yeah. You're gonna have to forgive me if I don't buy into that one." A very slight curve of Kash's mouth suggested he understood it better than his words suggested. And, of course, he did. Some healings had to be accomplished far more slowly than the magic could do it, in order to give the person a chance to adjust. And if Kash had occasionally not fully healed something to keep a hothead from rushing off and getting killed before they'd learned their lesson, well, that was between him and Life.

More quietly, sober, Kash said, "What you did for your friend might've been wrongheaded, but it was righthearted. You have a protector's heart." Like Z.

That was the nicest thing that anyone had ever said to her. Molly always felt guilty about what she'd done to Rosie but the truth was that if she had to do it over again, she would. Sure if she'd had 20/20 hindsight she would have waited until she understood how to do it without harm, but Molly still would have protected her friend and her friend's baby.

"Thanks." Her voice was a little gruff with emotion of missing Harry and the warmth that she felt from the sincere compliment. It was like someone had finally noticed what she'd been trying to do as the Ragged Lady. You have to do what you have to do to get the job done. But in the end, it was protecting Harry's memory and HER city.

Although Kash didn't say anything in response, but only shrugged and sort of nodded, it wouldn't have taken an empath like Molly to know it for sincerity. Kash didn't do emotional scenes. Not well, and usually other than Z and apparently Vex and Pike, not at all.

But when neither of them had said anything after a moment or two, he finally suggested, "Drinks?"

Even if Molly couldn't feel the sincerity, which she could, his body language would have told her. She had years of practice reading her brother, uncles, Harry and Sanya before magic kicked in. Her dad was more demonstrative, she didn't need to read him.

"Drinks sounds great, but how about we skip the bar? Mind magic and other people's emotions don't mix well."

"Yeah, sure."

Whatever she needed, was what he meant, but he didn't know how to say that without pouring too much of himself in it. So he stuck with yeah, and trusted she'd gather he wouldn't leave until she felt ready to be alone.

"There's probably less people at the pool bar." Molly assumed so anyway. When people went to drown their sorrows, it wouldn't be there. Happy people that didn't lose anybody playing in the water, was about all that she could handle.

"There's a quiet spot tucked behind some trees," Kash agreed and jerked his chin in that general direction. "Tell me what you drink and I'll meet you there."

Protecting her and everyone else came easy, like second nature. Which was fine as long as he didn't think too much about why that was.

Not wanting too much of a reminder of home, Molly chose something she liked but not her 'usual' that she drank with Harry. Thinking of home had her thinking of Sanya and that's when she knew what she wanted. "Vodka. Straight up."

"Vodka."

Kash gave her a quick nod and hurried off to get to the bar. Kitty was quick to come to his assistance and when he said vodka, she gave him a chilled bottle and two glasses, along with a knowing look.

He thanked her and headed back toward Molly.

Molly had waited until he'd gone to get the drinks before she let the grief take hold. It was less than it had been, thanks to him and Buffy, but it still hurt. She had to hold on to knowing they would see each other again. If Harry had survived death, they could survive anything.

She pushed the emotion away until she was truly alone. Molly didn't want to let anything seep in and make it worse. By the time, Kash arrived with the bottle and two glasses, there was a slight but genuine smile. "Perfect medicine."

"Strong medicine," Kash replied as he poured and caught a whiff of what was probably pure alcohol. He pushed a glass across to her, nudging it with the backs of his knuckles.

After an awkward moment of not knowing what to say, Kash shrugged to break the tension in his shoulders. "I'm not great at this part. If you want to talk, though, I can listen."

Molly appreciated the offer and thought about what she wanted to talk about as she downed the vodka in one swallow as Sanya had taught her. "Harry saved my life, literally." It was the beginning of her true relationship with him and not just her father's best friend so that's where Molly started. It also gave a good window into how much Harry meant to her.

"In my world, even though I knew magic existed because my dad was a Knight of the Cross. He helped keep the balance of Light." Her lips quirked, "He was also known as the Fist of God." There was a lot of hero worship in that. Molly was definitely a daddy's girl.

"Anyway, there is a Wizard's Council that has seven laws. That I had no idea they existed. They keep themselves hidden and secret from people that aren't wizards. Which fine, whatever, but then you shouldn't hold those same people accountable when they get magic and break laws they don't know about." Molly made a face. "Sorry, still bitter about that. Anyway, because of what I'd done with Rosie, that was breaking one of their laws. The penalty is death, the Doom of Damacles." She put her finger across her throat to show the Doom meant she would have been beheaded. "I got a second chance because Harry stood up and said he'd be responsible for me. He took the Doom on himself, too. If I broke another law, we'd both be beheaded. No pressure there."

While she talked, Kash cycled through a series of emotions, but only the rage ever showed on his face. "That's bullshit. You were trying to help. If no one ever told you you weren't supposed to do that..."

Kash half-growled at the tension in his shoulders and the pit of his stomach. He had a special hate for elders and organizations that didn't tell young people what they needed to know. Like, say, how evil his bride-to-be actually was.

He subsided but said, "Two-thirds of the magic users in my world would be Doomed by that Council. We have entire schools of magic based on mental effects."

And then, realizing that hadn't been her point, he added, "I'm glad Harry had the balls to stand up for you."

"Well it was more he didn't want to let my dad down, but he definitely didn't have to take on the Doom." Molly would always be grateful, even if she was sure that Harry helping had more to do with fearing her mother than anything.

"I think your world sounds nice. At least they seem like they don't have heads up their ass when it comes to magic. I would have ... yeah I was about to say that I would have liked to go to a school like that but I wasn't a fan of school. I doubt I'd like a magical one. I didn't have a lot of patience when Harry made me do the repetitive crap."

His version of wax on, wax off.

"I meant schools more like traditions," Kash explained but added, "We do have actual colleges of magic for wizards and bards, but most of us learn like you did. We apprentice to someone or something that knows and wants to share that knowledge."

He tossed back his vodka and then got to pouring another round. "But you probably wouldn't like my world much. Not right now anyway. We were in the process of freeing it from the clutches of a bunch of evil dragons when I got here."

"Dragons can be tricky." Molly agreed, "but we haven't been to war with them. Our war is with the vampires and I think there's a group of supernatural beings that're working to break the UnSeelie Accords. Uh, that's an agreement between a lot of supernatural groups." Molly unconsciously rubbed at her thigh before downing another shot of vodka. "Before I arrived, I was trying to hold a city together after Harry's death." Her lips twisted in a farce of a smile. "I think I was losing myself more than I was holding it together."

Kash couldn't help thinking of the Briarwoods and the pyramid beneath Whitestone. Hopefully Z wasn't trying to solve that vampire problem on her own.

But he also couldn't help thinking how much Molly reminded him of Vox Machina. Throwing herself into holes other people couldn't plug. Or maybe of Cassandra. Trying to make up for a mistake she couldn't have avoided making. At least she seemed to know what it could do to her.

"Big job for one person."

"Yeah, it was." Molly rested her weight on one hand,as she thought about home. "But you do what you have to do to keep people safe." She glanced over at Kash, "And now that I know Harry comes back, I don't feel as bad as I did before about being here. Not that I'm okay with being kidnapped or whatever this is, but I know Chicago is okay in my future. Or at least Harry didn't say it went to shit, so that's something."

"Something, but not everything. And just enough to fuel nightmares and heartache both," Kash observed dryly. If nothing else, this vodka was good for loosening his tongue. That was two whole sentences he'd said there.

"Yeah, just a little hope thrown in to keep you up at night." Molly poured them both another shot. "Nightmares and hope, two sides of a coin and it just depends on the toss."

She downed the drink in one swallow and a laugh at herself. "Damn, that sounded like a fortune cookie."

[GP] All we can do is learn to swim

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